The Reason

A Facebook friend posted this yesterday and I saw it and was just like, holy crap, that's me. I don't feel like its talked about a lot why people choose not to commit suicide. Most of the time people talk about why people DID commit suicide and a lot of the time, that talk is very judgmental. I know I struggle when I see the negative comments directed at that person, usually talking about how selfish they are, questioning why they didn't ask for help, what a waste of a life their decision was, etc. I don't generally see many people trying to understand. So seeing a shout out like that, was kind of awesome.

I've been suicidal multiple times through my life, even as recently as two years ago. No, I have never actually attempted, though I have had plans in place. The reason I never went through with it, is because I knew how much my death would hurt my parents and, I assumed, my friends. See, I'm really bad at friendships. I have this tendency to assume that the other person or persons don't actually like me or will start to dislike me or something like that so I automatically hold back. I make my assumption into a reality, I guess. I've had friendships where I feel like I give 110%, always trying to be there, always trying to be a reliable friend, and had those friendships crash and burn. So, I'm reluctant to fully put myself out there, but there are times when I get so desperate for that feeling of friendship that I push a little too hard. See, I don't think I'm a particularly likable person. I'm stubborn, opinionated, and honestly, just a tad judgmental, okay, a lot judgmental. I tend to make snap judgments about people and its hard to change that impression once its made. Frankly, I'm a bitch. I will totally own that. But over the years I've made a few friendships that have lasted and while those friends may not have always known what to do with me when I was going through one of my super depressed phases, they were there.

Mirror, Mirror

I've been in Denver for almost a year now. I go to school full time, I work two jobs, and I'm currently in the middle of moving to a new place. I've done well for the last year. I've gotten good grades, I've done well at my jobs, but as the classes have gotten harder, my stress level has gone up and now with moving adding to an already difficult quarter, the cracks are starting to show. For the first time, I'm not doing well in a few of my classes. I'm struggling with finding enough time to study. I'm struggling with feeling exhausted all the time. I go seven days a week. The snow day we had last Wednesday was the first full day I'd had off in a few months. The cracks are showing and I don't know how to fix them. I live in a stupidly expensive city. I can't afford to quit one of my jobs. I'm trying to graduate by next summer so I don't incur a ridiculous amount of debt and so I can actually start working. I mean, I'm 28. Most of my friends and fellow students around the same age have at least one associates degree and most have a bachelors. Me? I'm at my fourth college trying to get the associates degree I failed to get two years ago.

The Gender Conundrum

We live in a world where gender is an ever-changing concept. It's no longer a simple black and white matter of you're male or you're female. Now we have transgender, non-binary gender, gender fluid, agender, bigender, and the list goes on. It can be a bit of a challenge to keep it all straight.

I was raised Christian, so anything deviating from the normalcy of heterosexuality was bad. Homosexuality? Bad. Bisexual? Bad. Transgender? Bad. And so on and so on. I learned to look down on those people, I was taught to look down on them. I had teachers and leaders who vehemently spoke out against them who painted a picture of horrible people making conscious decisions to live in sin, teachers and leaders who framed my perception of those people. I often wonder, if I hadn't left home and gone to college in another city, if I hadn't been removed from my familiar little closed off world, would I still be as close minded as I was then? But while my eyes were certainly opened and I became slightly less judgmental, I was still extremely close minded. It wasn't until I actually began to really meet and get to know these people that I realized that they were humans just like you and me, not these entities of evil I'd been taught about. And not a single one of them was claiming to be gay or lesbian or bisexual or trans or whatever in order to snub God, it was simply who they were.

Insanity

Am I insane? I'm pretty sure I'm insane. What is it that suddenly makes us decide to do what we've been afraid to do for ages? Why today of all days after years spent talking about getting the hell out of New Mexico and moving to Colorado did I finally find the courage to apply to not one, but two jobs in Durango? I have not a single clue. But I did it. It's done. Am I crazy for just going for it? Um, yeah, definitely. But I'm tired of hating my life, tired of hating where I'm living. I'm 27 years old, dammit. I should be out living my life, but here I am stuck in a city that I hate and a life that is unfulfilling. I keep feeling like if I get that magic degree, suddenly my life will be set. But I've been in school for a long time and more and more I'm wondering if I really need it. Maybe I put that on hold. Maybe I actually get out there and live my life, get out of my comfort zone and at some point in the future I'll go back to school. Or maybe I'll look at getting my degree through an online college which would be a plus because then I wouldn't have to deal with people. Can you tell that I'm anti-social?

I've lived in my comfort zone for so long that I don't even know how to live outside it. I've depended and lived with my parents for so long that the idea of being independent is both terrifying and exciting. Because this won't be like last time. Last time when things got hard, I was able to move back in with my parents with no issue. But if this all works out, if I actually make it up to Durango, it's not going to be so easy. I'm going to have to actually be an adult. Take responsibility and all that. There's not going to be a net underneath to catch me if I fall.

So, I guess, here's to a potential new beginning and getting out of comfort zones and living a little.

Future, What Future?

What do you do when you begin to wonder if you're truly cut out for the career path you've started down? What do you do when you begin to question everything that you've been striving for? It seemed so clear initially, everything made sense. But as time passes, it becomes less and less clear. I went for the more practical career, the one that was respectable and made sense. I've always loved animals, always been good with them. But the science of it all makes my head spin, makes it hard to enjoy what I'm doing. So I start to wonder, is it for me. And then I come back to, god, what a failure I would be again if I gave it up with just two semesters to go. But then, what does it say when I dread going back and trying to wrap my mind around all these complex procedures. I love animals, but is that enough? And more and more, I'm thinking not. I find the science interesting, fascinating even, but the understanding of it often eludes me.

The Past Is The Past Is The Past

Over the past couple of days, I've been slowly sorting through the innumerable pictures I have on my Facebook account. When I was younger, I had a tendency of uploading every picture I took so I found myself going through many many albums with way too many pictures, some of them not even good pictures. It was supposed to be a relatively quick job. You know, download the few albums that I wanted from birthdays and trips and junk most of the rest. What I wasn't expecting was the influx of memories and to an extent emotions that the process has unleashed. Because the farther back I go, the more comments and likes that I've found, comments from people that I don't even talk to or see anymore. It's a strange feeling to see how many friends I used to have that I laughed with, shared inside jokes with, and just hung out with. I find it kind of ironic thinking of all the people who think homeschool kids are unsocial. I had way more of a social life back then than I do now.

It's All Her Fault

https://www.facebook.com/humansofnewyork/photos/a.102107073196735.4429.102099916530784/1673118259428934/?type=3&theater

So I realize that I'm opening a huge can of worms with this post, but it's something I feel quite strongly about. I've honestly avoided talking about this issue because it can be so controversial, but after reading something earlier, I feel the need to share my opinion. Also, this is MY opinion. You can agree or disagree, but please don't try to change my mind. I'll respect your opinion so please respect mine.

Earlier this afternoon as I was browsing through Facebook, I came across a post from a page I follow called Humans of New York. If you don't follow it, I would highly recommend it. It gives you a whole new perspective on other people's lives and cultures. It is truly my favorite page on Facebook and the one that is the most thought-provoking for me. It has been responsible for changing my opinion on various topics, one of those being the Syrian refugees. His pictures of and posts from the refugees changed my opinion from being mostly against the refugees and allowing them into America to now having mixed feelings leaning more towards allowing them in, but also taking precautions. But that's not what I want to talk about. My point is that his pictures and the stories that go with them can be very influential and eye opening.

I Like To Think...

I like to think...
I like to think I'm beautiful.
I like to think sometimes I'm graceful.
I like to think I'm funny.
I like to think I'm smart.
I like to think I'm loyal.
I like to think I'm talented.
I like to think I'm loved.
I like to think I matter in some small way.
I like to think I'm successful at hiding my pain.
I like to think my depression does not control me.
I like to think the scars on my body tell a story.
I like to think I've overcome the hardest parts of my life.
I like to think if anything ever happened to me, I would be missed.
I like to think...
I like to think someday I'll find true love.
I like to think I'll make my parents proud.
I like to think I'll be successful someday.
I like to think I have a future.
I like to think I'll get out this city and state.
I like to think someday I'll travel the world.
I like to think I'll find what I'm searching for.
I like to think the words I write touch lives.
I like to think I make a difference.
I like to think I bring some modicum of happiness to others.
I like to think I'll learn to be a better person.
I like to think someone, anyone appreciates my quirks and oddities.
I like to think I'm worth something, anything.

Starry Night

One of my favorite paintings is Van Gogh's Starry Night. I honestly cannot tell you exactly what it is about it that I love so much, but it's just so striking and unique and beautiful to me. I gained an even deeper appreciation for it after I saw the Doctor Who episode "Vincent and the Doctor." It is, to date, the best Doctor Who episode I have ever seen and my personal favorite. If you haven't seen it, go watch it; it's beautiful.

A few months ago, my mom and decided to go to a studio that has a paint and wine type of deal. You look at their online calendar to find a painting you like and sign up for it. A lot of times people get wine or beer to enjoy while painting but my mom and I decided to skip that part and just paint. They walk you through the steps of painting the piece and at the end of the time period, you've got yourself a completed painting! Starry Night proved to be far more challenging than either my mom or I expected and neither one of us was thrilled with the results. We decided that if we combined our two paintings, it might actually look halfway decent. Guess I better cancel any plans I had of being a famous painter!

To Vote or Not To Vote, That Is The Question

Just a quick update before I get to the main point of this post. Within the next couple of days I'm going to be changing up my blog. That means there's going to be a name change, design change, everything. This honestly isn't a Christian blog anymore and I want the freedom to express myself however I want to. So just a heads up that changes are a comin'!

Okay, so it's 2016, the world's going to pot (in my opinion) and America is holding it's presidential election. This my third (?) time voting, I believe, and I have never been so conflicted as I've been this election. With the last two elections, I knew who I wanted to vote for, it was a pretty clear cut decision (hint: it wasn't Obama either time). But this time, oh lord, I look at these two candidates and I just want to pack up and get the hell out of this country cause it ain't gonna be pretty. For me, a choice between Clinton and Trump is no choice at all and since I don't think any of the other runners have even a remote chance of winning, I found myself trying to choose between the lesser of two evils.

To Those Who Judge

Last night as I lay in bed trying to sleep but actually flipping through my Facebook newsfeed, I came across an article.  The title caught my attention immediately:  A Call to Action: Your Fat Friend Is Going It Alone.  It was an interesting and very relatable piece for me.  It got me to thinking about how society views and treats fat people.  It brought to mind things I don't really focus on anymore; the little comments I sometimes hear or the criticizing eyes as I walk about minding my own business, all because I'm fat.  I've learned to brush those things off, to not focus so much on the negative, but some days it can be hard to ignore it.

I don't think people always realize just how damaging, how lasting the comments they make are.  I can still remember shortly before my ex and I broke up, asking him something along the lines of did he wish I was thinner or was he proud of the way I looked and him responding, "I wish you were thinner so I could show you off to my friends."  Six years and I have never been able to forgot those words.  They didn't just hurt me, they devastated me.  Many times I wish I had told him how much damage those words caused.  My already fragile self-esteem shattered and it has taken me years to build it back up.  I relied so much on him and others when it came to my self-image.  If my own boyfriend didn't seem to think I was good enough, then clearly I was a hideous creature.  Now I know better than to put such stock in other's words, but that doesn't always make it any easier when I hear the snide remarks people sometimes make.

Awake and Alive

I realize that I really haven't posted anything since last September other than my one post recently so I thought I would give a bit of an update on what's been going on since then since life has changed quite a lot, thankfully for the better.  So back in September I was dealing with a lot of personal issues.  I was severely depressed, even suicidal.  I was cutting again and just generally in a very dark place.  I had hoped to return to school during the fall semester but didn't get everything done in time so unfortunately was unable to take any classes.  I ended up just working.  Honestly, it's a bit of a blur, but I was not doing well during that time.  I tried going to counseling which didn't end up working out but towards the end of December I finally got myself together enough to apply to CNM.  I was accepted and started looking at classes.

It was at this point that for whatever reason I kind of stepped out of the dark zone I'd been in.  Maybe it was just the fact that I was actually making steps towards doing something more with my life, I'm not sure, but I enrolled in six classes which turned out to be a bit ambitious.  Most importantly though, I finally settled on a major.  I've been jumping around with my major since I first went to college in 2009.  I wanted to do photojournalism, then wildlife biology, theatre, and vocal performance, to name a few.  When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a vet because I loved animals so much.  Well, I guess some childhood dreams aren't totally crazy because I'm working my way towards a degree as a veterinary technologist with the goal of graduating in two years.  From there I'd like to hope that I'll go on to pursue my doctorate in veterinary medicine but as that will require going out of state, that's up in the air.  My long term goal is to be able to focus on horses/farm animals.  For now though I'm focusing on just getting the courses done that are required to just get into the vet tech program.

Just Be Held

So this is going to be a brutally honest post about myself, so word to the wise that it's going to be a bit dark and depressing and weird because that's basically my life.  So here goes.

So lately I've been struggling with a lot of stuff with life and just personally with my depression.  I've been feeling very stuck in life, not knowing where I'm going and just feeling like I'm really going nowhere and feeling very hopeless.  It's gotten to the point where I started cutting again a couple weeks ago and actually did some research on suicide methods.  I always end up realizing that I'm too much of a coward to actually go through with it which in some ways makes me more depressed.  So nobody panic, I'm not going to go kill myself or anything, so no worries.  Basically though I've felt like my life is just going to pieces.

My mom, being the intuitive mother that she is, realized that I've been struggling lately and sent me a song by Casting Crowns that she thought would be good for me.  Now here's where things start getting serious.  I don't listen to much Christian music anymore, mainly because I don't feel like I'm really a Christian anymore.  I've never figured that I was a particularly strong Christian.  I always struggled with my faith even when I was younger and was active in church and youth group and about as much of a church kid/teen as is possible.  I struggled with trusting in someone other than myself.  I was bullied and teased a lot when I was younger and I became the strong, tough kid who became a bit of a bully herself.  I learned to swear, to make myself more physically imposing so people would leave me alone, and when someone teased or made fun of me, I responded right back.  I stopped letting people in.  I was a weird kid and was never really accepted by other kids anyway.  At public school I had friends who would suddenly decide they didn't want to be friends with me because the cool kids didn't like me or the cool kids would pretend to accept me into their group and then ditch me.  I learned early on not to trust people.  At church I was also teased and judged and generally left out which could be part of the reason I have so much trouble fitting into a church, because I'm thinking everyone there is judging me and I'm this outsider and don't belong.  So that's the long explanation of why I figure I have so much trouble with trusting in God or anyone else and leaning on Him with things in life, big and small.  I feel like I have to fix myself by myself.  "Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know."  Yeah, I totally get Elsa.

A Pause, Not A Stop

I've been considering getting a tattoo for quite some time, however, I've hesitated because of the cost  and also because a tattoo is so permanent.  I didn't want to get something in a spur of the moment decision that I would regret later.  If I was to get a tattoo, it would be something that had a lot of meaning to me.  There was also the issue of where I would get it since I didn't want it to affect my ability to get or retain a job in the future.  I also knew that I wanted something small.  While I admire the incredible artistry and skill involved in some of the massive tattoos that cover a person's entire back or chest or arm, I personally prefer something much smaller.

I hadn't given it much thought in a good while until today when a young lady I know shared a link on her Facebook page about the 3rd Annual Semicolon Tattoo Project.  I'd heard of the growing popularity of the semicolon tattoos but hadn't really looked into it all that much.  Curious, I finally decided to check it out.  Suffice it to say that I am about 99% sure I have found my first and possibly only tattoo.

For those of you who don't know, the point of Project Semicolon is to "start a conversation that can't be stopped about mental illness, suicide, depression, addiction and self-injury."  A semicolon is a pause, not a stop, a sentence the author could have ended, but chose not to.  As the founder of Project Semicolon stated, "The idea behind the tattoo is to say that your story isn't over yet.  That you are the author of your story and you are choosing to continue."  As someone who has had and still does have major struggles with depression, suicidal thoughts, self-injury, and addiction (to food, not drugs or anything like that!), I can't imagine another tattoo that would so perfectly fit me or have so much meaning and depth.

My first thought was to have the tattoo behind my ear where it would be fairly unnoticeable and easy to hide.  But the more I thought about it and saw pictures other people had posted, I decided that if I do it, I'll get it on my wrist.  My thought was that, 1) I'll actually be able to see it to remind me what it stands for, and 2) weird as it might sound, it just seems an appropriate place considering the scars on my wrists.  So while I haven't decided 100%, I have decided that even if I don't get the permanent tattoo, I will get a temporary tattoo.  I think the movement behind this tattoo is amazing and absolutely awesome.  Creating awareness for certain things can be really difficult, but I hope this one continues to gain more followers and reach even more people.  I don't think I'll ever look at a semicolon the same way again!

Never Take Friendship Personal

So I realize it's been quite some time since I've gotten on here.  My life has simply not been interesting enough to write about (I work at a dry cleaners.  Can you say boring?) and I haven't had any profound thoughts to talk about either.  So I ended up just letting things slide.  As I have often said in the past, we'll see if I can't do better.  Don't hold your breath though, you might be holding it a very long time!

So life really has been fairly boring.  I work mornings, go home, and stay home.  I go out with a select group of friends once or twice a week, but that is literally the extent of my social life.  I'm actually going to see a Christian romance film that's showing for one night only on Monday night and I'm actually kinda terrified because 1) I won't really know anyone there and I don't know the people I do know who are going very well, and 2) it's a romance which is the kind of movie I always avoid because they depress me.  Aaaaah!  Freaking out in 4...3...2...1...days. We'll see how it goes.

In any case, I find my lack of a social life to be rather ironically amusing because I was so much more social when I was younger and I always figured I would have even more of a social life as I got older.  Nope!  How things change.  I think that point has really hit home recently with checking out my Timehop the last couple of weeks and seeing all the friends I used to have and all the people who liked and commented on my various social media posts in years past.  It's just made me realize how much, as I've gotten older, I've fallen out of touch with those people and failed to really make any other lasting friendships.

Try

So, I'm back!!  I realize I've been AWOL for a good while so my apologies for that.  Life's been a bit crazy lately working to get some stuff figured out but hopefully I'll start posting on a more regular basis now.  Yay!

Earlier this month Colbie Caillat released a song called Try that created quite a buzz.  Instead of a song telling girls that the key to being pretty is to be thin, or wear a lot of makeup, or be rich, or have a ton of clothes, the song says that you're pretty just the way you are.  And instead of being one of those songs that says all the right things like that and then shows only girls who are pencil thin and photoshopped gorgeous without any makeup on, there are real girls in the video and not just teens, but you have middle aged and older women as well.  I also loved the fact that, being a big girl myself, there was one big girl included in the video as well.

Life is Precious

It always strikes me, when I hear of some kind of disaster or accident, how much I assume that nothing like that will ever happen to me.  Not in a "I'm so great and powerful" kind of way, but I guess just kind of a more naive way.  If I'm careful how I'm driving, who I hang out with, where I go, etc., I should be fine, nothing will happen to me.  And then it always strikes me that those people affected by that disaster or accident were probably thinking the same thing.

I guess that just really struck me with reading about the ferry sinking in South Korea.  Most of the people on that boat were teens on a school trip.  I'm sure they were thinking it was going to be a good time, they were getting to hang out with their friends, what could wrong?  And then suddenly everything changed and they were fighting for their lives trying to get off a sinking boat.  It reminded me that life is fleeting and that life is precious.  We don't know how our life is going to end, whether we're going to live to be 100 and die of old age or live to our 20s, 30s, 40s and die of sickness or from some accident.

Just Dance

I love to dance, always have.  As a little kid I was always dancing around the house, making up dance routines and performing for my parents, making my dad dance with me to a song I liked on the radio or at the end of a movie, jamming with my mom in the kitchen, etc.  When I reached high school I started going swing dancing every Tuesday night with a group of friends.  We went for close to five years and I got pretty good at it.  At my senior prom they had a swing dance competition and my boyfriend and I, who had been my main dance partner since I'd started dancing, ended up getting second place.  Once we broke up though, I found myself without a dance partner or a group to go dancing with.  I finally started going with one of my guy friends which was a blast, but eventually he had to quit due to other commitments on Tuesday nights.  So I stopped going for a while until I managed to convince a few of my girl friends to go out several times.  However, it was much harder to find any guy friends and if you don't have at least one guy friend along who will for sure dance with you or if you're not drop dead gorgeous, chances are you're going to be sitting on the sidelines for most of the night.  That fizzled out pretty quick and when they stopped wanting to go, I stopped going as well.

A Valentine's Day To Remember

In the past I've always hated Valentine's Day or Single's Awareness Day as I tended to call it along with the myriad of other people who didn't have a significant other to spend the day with.  I would get depressed that I was still single after however many years it had been since my ex and I broke up.  So I would spend Valentine's Day depressed that I was single and annoyed every time I saw some giggling couple go by.  For the most part I've gotten better with it and just tried to focus on other things and convince myself it wasn't a big deal.  This year was slightly harder because within the last couple of months several people I know have either gotten married or announced that they're expecting kids.  Normally I wouldn't think much of it except for the fact that they're all three, even four years younger than me.  Much as I am happy for them it does make me very aware of the fact that I haven't had a real date in almost exactly four years now while many of my Facebook friends, most of whom are my age or younger, are raving about their fantastic boyfriends or girlfriends and the latest date they've gone on.  And I know, nobody wants to date the fat girl, but when most of the girls at my work who are my size or bigger are also raving about their fantastic boyfriends or girlfriends, I start to figure something must be seriously wrong with me.

A Whole New World

So lately I've had the song A Whole New World from Aladdin stuck in my head which is kind of funny because I haven't seen it anytime recently and its not one of the Disney movies I've seen a lot.  Don't get me a wrong, I love Aladdin, but I've always been more of a Little Mermaid/Beauty and the Beast kind of girl.  But I digress.  I couldn't figure out why that song was stuck in my head and then suddenly it just sort of clicked.  I've been thinking about my life a lot since the beginning of the year with trying to figure out what I want to do with my life.  Right now I feel very stuck, very caged in.  I'm stuck in a dead-end job that I hate with a passion, stuck with no real future it feels like, stuck in a place where there aren't very many opportunities in any of the various activities or hobbies that I enjoy.  Again, don't get me wrong, I love New Mexico, I was born and raised here, but its not exactly a bustling state where you have all kinds of different opportunities or jobs in the areas that I enjoy.