I don't think people always realize just how damaging, how lasting the comments they make are. I can still remember shortly before my ex and I broke up, asking him something along the lines of did he wish I was thinner or was he proud of the way I looked and him responding, "I wish you were thinner so I could show you off to my friends." Six years and I have never been able to forgot those words. They didn't just hurt me, they devastated me. Many times I wish I had told him how much damage those words caused. My already fragile self-esteem shattered and it has taken me years to build it back up. I relied so much on him and others when it came to my self-image. If my own boyfriend didn't seem to think I was good enough, then clearly I was a hideous creature. Now I know better than to put such stock in other's words, but that doesn't always make it any easier when I hear the snide remarks people sometimes make.
People make such snap assumptions. Oh, she's fat because she's a pig. They don't know that I struggle with severe depression or a binge eating disorder. They probably don't know what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night, not hungry, but feel compelled to go find something to eat. They don't know my story, but they choose to act like they do. And I think that's one of the biggest issues. The general assumption is that fat people are fat because they eat too much. But there are a myriad of reasons for why a person might be fat from mental to actual physical issues. As much as people want to fit us into a box, that's just not possible.
The world is constantly reminding us in various little ways that we're a disgrace, that we don't live up to society's standards. And as much as I try not to let it get to me, as strong as my wall is, it still hurts sometimes. And people help maintain those standards. Fat people like me are outcasts. People don't want to associate with us, we're looked down on. And I think that is such crap. If you don't like fat people, guess what, judging and jeering and staring is not going to help us get less fat, in fact, it might help us gain more weight because we're going to go swallow our pain with the help of a tub of ice cream. But can you imagine what it would be like if instead of judging, people encouraged or were even just kind? I think I mentioned in one of my last posts how nice it is when the guy I sit next to in one of my classes tells me that I look good. Fat people don't get that a lot. More often than not we feel isolated, even when we're in a crowd of people.
And that encouragement doesn't and shouldn't always be about losing weight or eating healthier. It can be as simple as, hey, you got out of bed today and made it to work, that's awesome! That encouragement, those kind words are such a boost, I can't even begin to tell you. Even just engaging in a conversation. I know for me, I'm ridiculously shy when I'm around people I don't know generally because I'm certain that they're all judging me or I simply don't want to draw attention to myself because then they will judge me. I'm way too terrified to even attempt to start a conversation, but once someone includes me, I'm able to calm myself down and engage. Just because we're fat doesn't mean we don't have feelings too.
I also found it really interesting how the article pointed out that everything is the fat person's fault when it comes to how we're treated. It's our fault that we feel isolated, that we're depressed, that we don't feel good about ourselves, that others are judging us. I remember in the past when I used to go swing dancing and I would get really discouraged that no one was asking me to dance, I had friends telling me it was because I looked bored or depressed and should smile more or I just needed to start asking guys to dance. Obviously they meant well but it also stung a bit that they seemed to think I was to blame. It was because I didn't look happy enough, because I was too cowardly to ask a guy. I love to dance and I mean I love to dance so it always bothered me that the fat girls were always left to the side while all the skinny girls, even the ones who couldn't dance if their life depended on it, were asked to dance over and over again. There were nights I would go and only be asked to dance two or three times. So I finally stopped going. What was the point if all I was going to do was pay four bucks to stand around by myself?
It left me feeling worthless, like an outcast, especially when the guys I generally knew wouldn't even ask me to dance. I felt like leftovers, not really desired but there so might as well take advantage of it. So I got the guys who pitied me, who were desperate, or who were just plain creeps. I'm not a bad dancer, I've been swing dancing for years so I know what I'm doing even if I might be a bit rusty. But I never got the impression that any of those guys really wanted to dance with me. I was never the first pick, I don't think I was ever even the second.
It hurts, it hurts to feel so excluded, to know that people so often are judging you based solely on your looks when there is so much more to a person than just their external appearance. I am not my body, but that's what most people judge me on. When you judge people like that, you miss out on the best, most interesting parts of them. If you judge me just based off my body, you'll never know that I love classic books, that I collect soundtracks, that I do love to dance, that I sing my head off when I'm in the car, that I can be incredibly shy, that I love to camp and be outside in nature, that I enjoy writing. I am not what I weigh. I am so much more. But you have to be willing to look past the external to see that and sadly, most people aren't interested in that. They want society's girls. And I'm not and never will be one of those girls even if I lose a ton of weight, that's simply not how I'm built. But that doesn't make me any less of a person.
Fat people need to be loved and encouraged and cared for just as much as the skinny people, sometimes even more so. We build up so many walls because of the things people say about us, because of the way they look at us. We are so rarely accepted and loved just for who we are. So often there seems to be an unsaid but at the end of most positive things people say to us. You look nice today...but you'd look even better if you lost some weight. You did great at ______...but you'd do it even better if you lost weight. We don't need constant reminders that we need to lose weight, we don't need those buts, because honestly, I know for me at least, I tell myself that all the time. Those unsaid buts just strengthen the walls and most people don't take the time to get past those walls. Or sometimes they just want to vault over those walls. I know for me, I don't trust easily, it
I think the key thing is, don't give up on us. Even when we are hidden so deep in our shells that you don't even know if we're still there, don't give up. Send us an encouraging message, be kind to us. We might not necessarily respond which I know can be frustrating, but know that we got the message and it meant a lot. Those little things can mean the world. Just let us know that we are valuable, remind us that we are not our weight. Fear can keep us wrapped up so tight, but love us and encourage us without those buts, without judgement, and watch us bloom.
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