Looking at Life

This past weekend my family went on our first family vacation in about two years.  For me it was the first time I've really been out of Albuquerque and the general surrounding area in that same amount of time.  I know I've mentioned it before, but I am so not a city girl.  We went up to northern New Mexico, kind of north and west of Taos up into Carson National Forest.  Let me tell you, it is gorgeous up there!  So much cooler and greener.  I did not want to leave at all.  We were gone Thursday through Sunday and it was nice to have two full days to just relax.  Friday was my parents' 26th wedding anniversary so we enjoyed celebrating that with a steak linner (you know, too late for lunch but too early for dinner: linner).  Busted out the wine and everything.  It rained most of that day so we pretty just lounged around, napped a bit and played some games.  Saturday was clearer so we went for a 2 mile hike which was fun and then my dad and I went for a drive while mom stayed back and read.  Dad and I saw some really pretty country and just enjoyed getting to explore.  Sunday I got up early to make the 4 and a 1/2 hour drive back to Albuquerque so I could continue filming with a friend who's making a pretty epic movie.  So that made a fun, but exhausting day.   One of the things I really enjoyed on our camping trip was getting back into some photography.  I really haven't used my camera much since my family moved back into Albuquerque so it was a fun opportunity.  There were some really pretty flowers we saw on our hike and with the rain we were getting most of the plants were covered in drops of water, something I've always wanted to photograph so I took advantage of that.

Trusting Through the Doubt

When I can't sleep or I'm up late reading a book or doing something on my computer, I tend to think a lot.  Tonight was a reading night and now it's almost 2 o'clock and I'm still awake and thinking and looking at facebook.  Now normally I don't look at people's pages all that often.  But tonight I was looking at some friend's pages and a few of them were recently engaged or in a relationship and had pictures up.  Looking at the pictures of them so happy in love I felt that familiar clenching of my heart that's part pain, part jealousy.  And as I kept looking at the pictures of these people that I had graduated with  or were only slightly older than me, I felt all the doubts coming back.  Doubting that God had someone out there for me, doubting that anyone could ever possibly love me, doubting that I could ever truly love someone again myself.  And then there was the jealousy too.  Why did they get someone and I didn't?  Why couldn't I have that?  In a matter of minutes, I was dealing with a full on war between my heart and my head.  My head telling me that I was right to doubt and that my jealousy was rational, even reasonable, and my heart was simply naive.  And then there was my heart telling me to trust God and remember that He has a plan for me even though I can't see it and also telling my head to shut up.

Open Eyes

So, as some of you all know, my family is moving back into town to a house that will allow my grandparents on my dad's side to come live with us. This move is what I was talking about in my last post. Basically, just as I said then, I've been really, really struggling with it. What's made it worse is that a lot of people, particularly close friends, have been acting like it's not really a big deal and I should just get over it. Not easy for me. I am a very emotional person and I get attached to things and people very quickly, and very easily. I have lived in this house for almost eight years. The best memories I have happened while we were living at this house. The best friend I ever had, our first dog, Shiloh, is buried in our backyard. This move means leaving him behind. There have been so many emotions going through me that I've felt like I was being ripped apart.

On the one hand there's the part of me that understands that we need to do this. My grandparents really do need our help, particularly my grandfather. It's being hammered home even now as my grandfather is in the hospital with the flu and is barely coherent. But then there's the selfish part of me that doesn't want to leave. That reminds me that this place we're going to is the last place I would ever want to live. Not just because of it's location which is bad enough, but also because it's so old and it doesn't feel like home. There's also the fact that this has all happened so fast that I'm still trying to process it. My life has become one endless cycle of work and packing. The only time I see any of my friends is on Sundays at church for a couple hours and most of that time is spent in the service and Sunday School, so there is very little time for interaction. And therein lies my other fear of moving. Already I feel as if my friends are slipping away as I barely see them anymore and when I do it feels like it's nothing more than just hi and bye. And if I'm living in town, at least thirty minutes away from them, how is that going to affect our relationship.

He Said He'll Never Let Me Go

So, I haven't blogged in a long time...again. A lot of that has been because although there is a lot of stuff that's going on in my life right now, major stuff, I'm not allowed to talk about it quite yet. So, I'll just talk about some of the things I've been learning from it.

So, yeah, there are some very major changes going on in my life right now and I will fully admit that I hate it and I mean really hate it. It's been feeling like my world's coming apart, like I'm being torn apart inside. Most of that is due to myself and the fact that I am fighting tooth and nail against all that's happening.

Saying Goodbye

So tonight, unfortunately, was my last night with my youth group since I'll be heading back to college on Sunday. For me it's very hard to be leaving because I really have nothing to look forward to at Eastern except for my classes. I don't really have any friends there and since I'm really shy when I'm around people I don't know, I sometimes find it difficult to find friends. It also doesn't help that I have yet to find a good Bible Study group or church or anything. Here I have some pretty amazing friends, old and new. I have an awesome church that I absolutely love. I have my family all close by so I can go see them basically any time I want. So, needless to say, I'm going to very seriously miss home.

But, as in all things, God is faithful. This has been a very, very hard year so far and through it all, God has been there and has helped strengthen me. I have learned to trust Him in all things. I have been reminded that God has a plan and that, no matter how painful things get, no matter what happens, God does not make mistakes and there is something to be learned in everything. He has taught me patience in dealing with others. There have been times, especially when I was at school, when I have struggled with depression. Yet through it all, God has lifted me from the darkness and back into His glorious light, healing my heart and giving me strength.