It's Been a While

 It's been so long since I've written a post on here that I don't even know where to start. A lot of things have changed in my life. I started this blog almost nine years ago. It's changed a lot too. From a Christian young woman figuring out her faith to renouncing that faith to now, over the last going on two years, slowly starting to open herself back up to it. I haven't been back to church yet, I still have a lot of trust issues there, too many instances of bullying when I was younger and cliquishness and lack of acceptance as an adult. Churches don't equate to a safe space for me unless its talking about my old church in Edgewood, which was the only church I ever really felt at home. But I'm getting there. I'm talking to God again, I'm working to get my life back together, actually trying to take care of myself because for so many years I just haven't cared. I knew I needed help, but I just couldn't bring myself to care enough to do anything about it. I spent two years in school on no medications, in another state and I conquered school and life and then I came back to New Mexico and the depression came back and everything's been a struggle since. But I'm back seeing a doctor, I'm back on meds, and I'm trying.

I have a degree in a field that pays pennies and I'm in debt because of it. The pay was so bad that I had to leave the field entirely and my current job doesn't even require a degree and yet it pays significantly more. I felt so successful after graduating, but with the pandemic and rising costs, I feel defeated now, wondering what the point was in getting my degree, in wasting my time on a degree that doesn't even pay. So now I'm looking at going back to school, doing research this time and looking at fields that pay more money. The economy sucks right now and trying to make my way as a single woman has been hard. There are days that I just want to lay in bed and give up. There was a guy I worked with at school who would say, "Take me now, Lord!" and that's exactly how I feel.

I've been asking a lot of questions lately too. Mostly why's. Why am I like this? Why can't you just fix me? Why is this hard? Why do I feel this? Why, why, why? I haven't gotten any answers yet. The biggest why, has always been, why am I like this? Why would you create a broken person like me? What is the point of me? What exactly do I contribute to this earth that is in any way useful? Still no answers. And I get pissed, because I want to know. It would make living so much easier if I knew I had a purpose. And as much as I hate on myself, for how I look, for how I think, for everything that I am, I also think that I would never say any of the things I say to myself to someone like me. To her I would say that she was unique and beautiful and maybe she just needed some more time to find herself, but to not let the world define her. Why is it so easy to apply that logic to others and not ourselves?

Surrendering is hard. To give up control willingly, to put it into someone else's hands. I'm trying to do that, I don't know if I'm doing it well. I guess I'll just keep trying and see where God leads.