The Reason

A Facebook friend posted this yesterday and I saw it and was just like, holy crap, that's me. I don't feel like its talked about a lot why people choose not to commit suicide. Most of the time people talk about why people DID commit suicide and a lot of the time, that talk is very judgmental. I know I struggle when I see the negative comments directed at that person, usually talking about how selfish they are, questioning why they didn't ask for help, what a waste of a life their decision was, etc. I don't generally see many people trying to understand. So seeing a shout out like that, was kind of awesome.

I've been suicidal multiple times through my life, even as recently as two years ago. No, I have never actually attempted, though I have had plans in place. The reason I never went through with it, is because I knew how much my death would hurt my parents and, I assumed, my friends. See, I'm really bad at friendships. I have this tendency to assume that the other person or persons don't actually like me or will start to dislike me or something like that so I automatically hold back. I make my assumption into a reality, I guess. I've had friendships where I feel like I give 110%, always trying to be there, always trying to be a reliable friend, and had those friendships crash and burn. So, I'm reluctant to fully put myself out there, but there are times when I get so desperate for that feeling of friendship that I push a little too hard. See, I don't think I'm a particularly likable person. I'm stubborn, opinionated, and honestly, just a tad judgmental, okay, a lot judgmental. I tend to make snap judgments about people and its hard to change that impression once its made. Frankly, I'm a bitch. I will totally own that. But over the years I've made a few friendships that have lasted and while those friends may not have always known what to do with me when I was going through one of my super depressed phases, they were there.

And my parents? God, they've been there for me through thick and thin. They have put up with so much shit with me. If I had a kid like me, I think I'd be tempted to just throw in the towel. But they've never done that. They've just continued to support me no matter what. So how could I kill myself when they've never stopped believing in me? How could I do that to them? And so every time I was at my breaking point, no matter how tempting ending everything was, I stopped and I forced myself to keep moving forward. And honestly, those were the hardest moments of my life.

I guess my point in writing this is, you never know if you're the reason someone is continuing to live. Knowing that you're there and that you care could be the lifeline that keeps them going. So treasure your family and friends. Contact that friend you haven't spoken to in a while, check up on your friends struggling with depression. I know depression is something that a lot of people just do not understand, but be there for those people, try to understand and if you can't then just be someone they can depend on when they need it.

And to those with suicidal thoughts, I see you, I've been where you are. Keep fighting. I know how hard it is, I know how impossible it can seem to get up everyday and pretend to be okay. You are here on this earth for a reason. Maybe you don't know what that reason is, heck, I still don't know why I'm here, but there is a reason. You are important to somebody, even if its just one person. If you can't keep going on for yourself, then do it for them, because you love them. Keep going. We got this.