Changes and Losses

So obviously I have not been as good as I thought I would be about blogging after concluding my Lord of the Rings project.  Frankly life has been a bit crazy since then and I have not had the ideas, inclination, or time to blog.  To be honest, I could have made the time, but the inclination and ideas were just not there.  A lot has changed though since the last time I blogged so this probably going to be a longer post.

Time Heals

Update:
I originally published this post on my grandmother's birthday going on three years ago.  I find it funny that I was surprised that after two months the pain of my grandfather's death was still there, was still fresh.  Almost three years later just re-posting about my grandfather's death on my new blog as I move everything over had me sobbing.  Even now re-reading this post, I can feel the tears running down my face.  I had no clue then how much my grandfather's death would change me, would define me.  I wasn't prepared for the deep depression it plunged me into that shattered my world and left me drowning in a sea of pain and sadness.  Almost three years later and the wounds still haven't healed.  I'm beginning to realize that maybe they never will.  True, I have more control of my emotions, I can hold back the tears if I need to, I can hide the pain, but the wounds are still raw.  Though they don't happen as frequently, there are still days when I hate myself for not having spent more time with him, that I blame myself for his death.  So much is an internal struggle, the desire to go visit his grave for the first time since he was laid to rest, yet not having the strength to make the trip on my own.  With the holidays coming up, I miss him even more and I find myself realizing that things are never going to go back to the way they were before his death, no matter how much I may want them to.

My Grandpa, My Hero

Growing up, I had two main men in my life: my dad and my grandpa. My grandpa was there from the moment I was born. He was one of the first people to hold me and he was there almost every day afterward. There were times when I spent more time at my grandparents house than at my own home. We did so many things together. It was my grandfather who taught me how to fish, to love being outside. I went camping with him, my grandmother and my parents countless times. He taught me about horses and how to ride one. There were many times as a child that we went riding together with me sitting in front of him on the saddle. He gave me my love for horses.

Together we must have put together at least a hundred puzzles, if not more, seeing who could put together the most pieces. Together we planted blackberries and raspberries, eagerly awaiting their fruit. Once, when we saw the Energizer Bunny balloon setting down in a clearing not far from my grandparent's house, we ran to go see it and got to touch it. He took me on bike rides and drove me to the park. He joked and could always make me laugh. We played solitaire together and a hundred other games. He was my best friend. He saw me at my best and at my worst.