So lately I've been struggling with a lot of stuff with life and just personally with my depression. I've been feeling very stuck in life, not knowing where I'm going and just feeling like I'm really going nowhere and feeling very hopeless. It's gotten to the point where I started cutting again a couple weeks ago and actually did some research on suicide methods. I always end up realizing that I'm too much of a coward to actually go through with it which in some ways makes me more depressed. So nobody panic, I'm not going to go kill myself or anything, so no worries. Basically though I've felt like my life is just going to pieces.
My mom, being the intuitive mother that she is, realized that I've been struggling lately and sent me a song by Casting Crowns that she thought would be good for me. Now here's where things start getting serious. I don't listen to much Christian music anymore, mainly because I don't feel like I'm really a Christian anymore. I've never figured that I was a particularly strong Christian. I always struggled with my faith even when I was younger and was active in church and youth group and about as much of a church kid/teen as is possible. I struggled with trusting in someone other than myself. I was bullied and teased a lot when I was younger and I became the strong, tough kid who became a bit of a bully herself. I learned to swear, to make myself more physically imposing so people would leave me alone, and when someone teased or made fun of me, I responded right back. I stopped letting people in. I was a weird kid and was never really accepted by other kids anyway. At public school I had friends who would suddenly decide they didn't want to be friends with me because the cool kids didn't like me or the cool kids would pretend to accept me into their group and then ditch me. I learned early on not to trust people. At church I was also teased and judged and generally left out which could be part of the reason I have so much trouble fitting into a church, because I'm thinking everyone there is judging me and I'm this outsider and don't belong. So that's the long explanation of why I figure I have so much trouble with trusting in God or anyone else and leaning on Him with things in life, big and small. I feel like I have to fix myself by myself. "Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know." Yeah, I totally get Elsa.
When I went off to college after graduating, I stopped going to church. The churches in Portales were much different from my church back home in Edgewood and I didn't like them. I also didn't like the way the BSU or any of the other "Christian" groups were taught. I had mostly managed to overcome my swearing habit so when I heard leaders and/or members of the groups occasionally swearing, I was out. Gradually I stopped reading my Bible, stopped doing any kind of Bible study, and just let everything slide. When I returned home in the fall of 2010, going back to church was weird but nice. I got back into the habit of going to church with my family and reading my Bible. I didn't feel like I was a strong Christian and sometimes I felt like I was a bit of a fake, but I really tried. And then my life really started to crumble. I know I've told this story before so I'll keep it brief. My parents decided we would move into Albuquerque so my grandparents could live with us which meant leaving my church family and friends which was something I could not comprehend. I remember praying night after night, asking God to not let this happen, that this move would just screw me up even more than I already was. I was upset and hurt. And then my grandfather died and my hurt turned into fury. If God supposedly loved me so much, how could He possibly do this? How could He take away the one person who actually seemed to care about how I felt about what was going on? And that eventually turned into how DARE He do this to me! And that's when I turned my back on God. I was so angry and so hurt and I felt so left out on my own. My grandmother's diagnosis of dementia later on that year just sealed the deal, so to speak. I was done with God. With not being able to easily attend the church my family had been with for over ten years, I stopped going at all. My Bible was hidden on the shelf and my small collection of Christian books were tucked in a corner. I didn't want anything more to do with God because who knew what He would do to me next.
So up till now I've played the part of the edgy Christian girl. I knew all the right things to say and since the group I was primarily acquainted with was Christian, there was no way I was going to say I was anything but a Christian. I didn't feel like I fit in but I worked to fit in with them because I fit in even less with the non-Christians I knew. I've never smoked or done drugs, I don't sleep around so I struggled to relate with them. It was easier to try to fit in with the Christians. But every once in a while I would hear a song or see a quote or verse about God being in control of our lives and how we should give our troubles to Him and He will comfort us, etc. and I wanted so badly to believe that. But I was so chained to being in control that I simply couldn't even try to give my life back to Him. What if something else terrible happened? I couldn't stand the thought of trusting Him when He might choose to turn my life upside down again. But even though I didn't want to trust in Him, I would end up trying to find a church for a couple weeks in the hope that I could get my act together and get to a point where I could trust Him again. Inevitably though, I would feel uncomfortable at the church or churches I visited and would give up.
Due to the personal nature of this post, no comments will be made public.
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