This Is MY Body, Deal With It

Four years ago I saw the picture of this young woman and her words inspired me to stop being quite so ashamed of my body. Posing in my underwear or a bikini was not something I would ever do in a million years, but I so admired her for her courage to not only take the picture, but to share it online where it went viral. She gave me the courage to stop being quite so uptight about my looks. I still refused to wear shorts or tank tops and I hated leaving the house without my hair or makeup done, but I stopped stressing about it quite so much. Four years later, I'm still overweight, probably weighing more than I did back then but as I type this I'm sitting out in public wearing shorts, a tank top, no makeup and my hair is in a messy ponytail. I finally learned to stop giving a crap what people think of me, I learned to stop letting other people dictate what I should wear, what I should be comfortable wearing. I don't wear makeup anymore except for when I got to class generally. I've started wearing shorts to the gym and sometimes I even go to the store to do my shopping after a hard workout. I realized that I was never going to please everyone, it's simply not possible, so instead of focusing on pleasing complete strangers that I didn't know or really care about, I decided it was time to start pleasing myself, wearing clothes that I thought were cute and comfortable regardless of whether or not society agreed with my opinion. The way I thought of myself was more important than the way others did. And wonder of wonders, I don't hate my body anymore. I can't say that I love it all the time, I still want to lose weight, I still want to be healthier, but when I look in the mirror I don't automatically notice the flaws. I learned to see things in a new light. Yes, I have stretch marks and scars, I don't have the perfect, flawless skin that most women seek, but those marks tell my story. They show my struggles with weight, the battle I'm fighting now, the scars on my arms and legs show that despite everything I have been through, I am a survivor. I refuse to believe that I am less of a person because I don't have flawless skin or a perfect body. I AM beautiful, fat, scars, stretch marks and all. Whether anyone else believes that doesn't matter as long as I know it and I can remind myself of that because I am worth it. I'm not perfect, but I don't want to be. My size, nobody's size defines them. We are each beautiful in our own, unique way. Sometimes we just need somebody to remind us of that.

Saying Goodbye

So tonight, unfortunately, was my last night with my youth group since I'll be heading back to college on Sunday. For me it's very hard to be leaving because I really have nothing to look forward to at Eastern except for my classes. I don't really have any friends there and since I'm really shy when I'm around people I don't know, I sometimes find it difficult to find friends. It also doesn't help that I have yet to find a good Bible Study group or church or anything. Here I have some pretty amazing friends, old and new. I have an awesome church that I absolutely love. I have my family all close by so I can go see them basically any time I want. So, needless to say, I'm going to very seriously miss home.

But, as in all things, God is faithful. This has been a very, very hard year so far and through it all, God has been there and has helped strengthen me. I have learned to trust Him in all things. I have been reminded that God has a plan and that, no matter how painful things get, no matter what happens, God does not make mistakes and there is something to be learned in everything. He has taught me patience in dealing with others. There have been times, especially when I was at school, when I have struggled with depression. Yet through it all, God has lifted me from the darkness and back into His glorious light, healing my heart and giving me strength.

Half a Year of Learning

So basically we're about half way through the year 2010. A little over half a year actually. On the one hand, it doesn't seem like a lot of time, but for me it's been almost seven months of a lot lessons learned. This is my first blog attempt and I'm basically doing it just as a way to just express thoughts, opinions, dreams, desires, etc.

So, just kind of a brief summary of the first half of this year. The first five months of this year were pretty much spent at college. Those five months were some of the most stressful, painful, worst, but also educational months I have ever had. Despite the fact that they were terrible, they helped me get a lot of things in perspective. I learned a lot about relationships, what's needed to make them work, things to do and not to do, and also they helped me to redefine the kind of guy I was looking for. I also learned some lessons with school. With all the pain and stress and self-doubt, I really let my classes slip, failing one class and not doing so well in others. The result was the lowest GPA score I had ever had and I almost lost one of my scholarships.

So for me the lesson was that no matter how bad life is, when it comes to school, you leave all the bad stuff at the door and just get things done. The doubt, the pain and everything, you can't let that take over and ruin your life. You have to keep things under control, in perspective. The other thing about those months is that all the hardships drew me back to God. The school I attend does not have a very good Christian/church community and I never really developed any kind of close Christian friendships, so I found that I had started to slip away some. Those months made me run back to the one person I knew would always forgive me and take me back: Jesus. Since then I've been working at building my relationship with Christ and getting back into my Bible reading.