Mirror, Mirror

I've been in Denver for almost a year now. I go to school full time, I work two jobs, and I'm currently in the middle of moving to a new place. I've done well for the last year. I've gotten good grades, I've done well at my jobs, but as the classes have gotten harder, my stress level has gone up and now with moving adding to an already difficult quarter, the cracks are starting to show. For the first time, I'm not doing well in a few of my classes. I'm struggling with finding enough time to study. I'm struggling with feeling exhausted all the time. I go seven days a week. The snow day we had last Wednesday was the first full day I'd had off in a few months. The cracks are showing and I don't know how to fix them. I live in a stupidly expensive city. I can't afford to quit one of my jobs. I'm trying to graduate by next summer so I don't incur a ridiculous amount of debt and so I can actually start working. I mean, I'm 28. Most of my friends and fellow students around the same age have at least one associates degree and most have a bachelors. Me? I'm at my fourth college trying to get the associates degree I failed to get two years ago.

Future, What Future?

What do you do when you begin to wonder if you're truly cut out for the career path you've started down? What do you do when you begin to question everything that you've been striving for? It seemed so clear initially, everything made sense. But as time passes, it becomes less and less clear. I went for the more practical career, the one that was respectable and made sense. I've always loved animals, always been good with them. But the science of it all makes my head spin, makes it hard to enjoy what I'm doing. So I start to wonder, is it for me. And then I come back to, god, what a failure I would be again if I gave it up with just two semesters to go. But then, what does it say when I dread going back and trying to wrap my mind around all these complex procedures. I love animals, but is that enough? And more and more, I'm thinking not. I find the science interesting, fascinating even, but the understanding of it often eludes me.

It's All Her Fault

https://www.facebook.com/humansofnewyork/photos/a.102107073196735.4429.102099916530784/1673118259428934/?type=3&theater

So I realize that I'm opening a huge can of worms with this post, but it's something I feel quite strongly about. I've honestly avoided talking about this issue because it can be so controversial, but after reading something earlier, I feel the need to share my opinion. Also, this is MY opinion. You can agree or disagree, but please don't try to change my mind. I'll respect your opinion so please respect mine.

Earlier this afternoon as I was browsing through Facebook, I came across a post from a page I follow called Humans of New York. If you don't follow it, I would highly recommend it. It gives you a whole new perspective on other people's lives and cultures. It is truly my favorite page on Facebook and the one that is the most thought-provoking for me. It has been responsible for changing my opinion on various topics, one of those being the Syrian refugees. His pictures of and posts from the refugees changed my opinion from being mostly against the refugees and allowing them into America to now having mixed feelings leaning more towards allowing them in, but also taking precautions. But that's not what I want to talk about. My point is that his pictures and the stories that go with them can be very influential and eye opening.

Just Be Held

So this is going to be a brutally honest post about myself, so word to the wise that it's going to be a bit dark and depressing and weird because that's basically my life.  So here goes.

So lately I've been struggling with a lot of stuff with life and just personally with my depression.  I've been feeling very stuck in life, not knowing where I'm going and just feeling like I'm really going nowhere and feeling very hopeless.  It's gotten to the point where I started cutting again a couple weeks ago and actually did some research on suicide methods.  I always end up realizing that I'm too much of a coward to actually go through with it which in some ways makes me more depressed.  So nobody panic, I'm not going to go kill myself or anything, so no worries.  Basically though I've felt like my life is just going to pieces.

My mom, being the intuitive mother that she is, realized that I've been struggling lately and sent me a song by Casting Crowns that she thought would be good for me.  Now here's where things start getting serious.  I don't listen to much Christian music anymore, mainly because I don't feel like I'm really a Christian anymore.  I've never figured that I was a particularly strong Christian.  I always struggled with my faith even when I was younger and was active in church and youth group and about as much of a church kid/teen as is possible.  I struggled with trusting in someone other than myself.  I was bullied and teased a lot when I was younger and I became the strong, tough kid who became a bit of a bully herself.  I learned to swear, to make myself more physically imposing so people would leave me alone, and when someone teased or made fun of me, I responded right back.  I stopped letting people in.  I was a weird kid and was never really accepted by other kids anyway.  At public school I had friends who would suddenly decide they didn't want to be friends with me because the cool kids didn't like me or the cool kids would pretend to accept me into their group and then ditch me.  I learned early on not to trust people.  At church I was also teased and judged and generally left out which could be part of the reason I have so much trouble fitting into a church, because I'm thinking everyone there is judging me and I'm this outsider and don't belong.  So that's the long explanation of why I figure I have so much trouble with trusting in God or anyone else and leaning on Him with things in life, big and small.  I feel like I have to fix myself by myself.  "Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know."  Yeah, I totally get Elsa.

British TV Shows In Quotes

Sometimes I wonder, as I'm sobbing over the death of yet another character in one of the British tv shows I watch, if this is healthy.  Is it good for me to watch shows that draw me in so easily, that captivate me, get me attached to the characters to the point where when they're in pain I hurt for them or if they die I'm left crying my eyes out?  And yet that's what makes them so fantastic, because they can do that.  Because they make you feel something, look at the world in a different light.  Because some of the things the characters say make you really think, make you look at your life differently.  They let you dream, let you believe even a little bit that maybe those amazing things you see episode after episode could be real.  There's something special about that.

Redwall

Since publishing my post titled Men and Guns, I've had a number of people ask me what on earth Redwall is.  Well, let me tell you, it is one of the best series I have ever read and probably the one I have read and re-read the most.  I read the first three books of the series way back when I was a second or third grader in elementary school and I have never looked back.  The picture above is of my book shelf with 20 of the 22 books of the series.  I do own all of them but I had the two missing ones with me at my apartment and have yet to unpack them.  But that is beside the point.  Redwall is a series that was written by the brilliant author Brian Jacques.  Sadly he passed away on February 5, 2011.  I cannot even begin to describe how heartbroken I was when I found out that one of my favorite authors had died and that the stories of Redwall were at an end.  He wrote the series starting with the first book, Redwall, published in 1986 all the way until his final book, The Rogue Crew, published posthumously in 2011.

Open Eyes

So, as some of you all know, my family is moving back into town to a house that will allow my grandparents on my dad's side to come live with us. This move is what I was talking about in my last post. Basically, just as I said then, I've been really, really struggling with it. What's made it worse is that a lot of people, particularly close friends, have been acting like it's not really a big deal and I should just get over it. Not easy for me. I am a very emotional person and I get attached to things and people very quickly, and very easily. I have lived in this house for almost eight years. The best memories I have happened while we were living at this house. The best friend I ever had, our first dog, Shiloh, is buried in our backyard. This move means leaving him behind. There have been so many emotions going through me that I've felt like I was being ripped apart.

On the one hand there's the part of me that understands that we need to do this. My grandparents really do need our help, particularly my grandfather. It's being hammered home even now as my grandfather is in the hospital with the flu and is barely coherent. But then there's the selfish part of me that doesn't want to leave. That reminds me that this place we're going to is the last place I would ever want to live. Not just because of it's location which is bad enough, but also because it's so old and it doesn't feel like home. There's also the fact that this has all happened so fast that I'm still trying to process it. My life has become one endless cycle of work and packing. The only time I see any of my friends is on Sundays at church for a couple hours and most of that time is spent in the service and Sunday School, so there is very little time for interaction. And therein lies my other fear of moving. Already I feel as if my friends are slipping away as I barely see them anymore and when I do it feels like it's nothing more than just hi and bye. And if I'm living in town, at least thirty minutes away from them, how is that going to affect our relationship.