Future, What Future?

What do you do when you begin to wonder if you're truly cut out for the career path you've started down? What do you do when you begin to question everything that you've been striving for? It seemed so clear initially, everything made sense. But as time passes, it becomes less and less clear. I went for the more practical career, the one that was respectable and made sense. I've always loved animals, always been good with them. But the science of it all makes my head spin, makes it hard to enjoy what I'm doing. So I start to wonder, is it for me. And then I come back to, god, what a failure I would be again if I gave it up with just two semesters to go. But then, what does it say when I dread going back and trying to wrap my mind around all these complex procedures. I love animals, but is that enough? And more and more, I'm thinking not. I find the science interesting, fascinating even, but the understanding of it often eludes me.

More and more, I find myself being drawn back to film, to the theatre. That's what I wanted initially, that's what I spent more than a couple of semesters focusing on until I gave it up. I'm fully aware I'm not an amazing actress, but I always loved being part of the story, even if it was just from the sidelines. The technicality of it all fascinates me. All the cogs working together to create something amazing. But to start over again? I'm 27 years old and still floundering, still trying to figure out my life. How pathetic is that? I should have it all together, but I don't. I'm still fighting to make sense of it all, still trying to find the right direction. There are so many things I want to do. I'm drawn to the arts, to singing, to acting, to dancing, but I don't have the kind of skill to truly make a go of it. And so much of it seems to come down to my weight. The fat lady may sing, but fat dancers, fat actresses? Yeah, you don't really see those. And if you have an actress on the larger side, she's usually also a comedian. You can add that to the things I have no talent in. There's a part of me that wants to defy those social norms, to be like, yeah I'm fat but, bam! I can bust a move or heck yes I can own this part. But the fact of the matter is, I lack the confidence. I can talk a really good game, sound like I'm a total badass, but when push comes to shove, the girl hiding in the corner, yeah, that's me. I want to be somebody, but I don't have the confidence to actually do it. I want to be that badass girl, comfortable in her own body, in who she is and screw anyone who doesn't accept her. But that's not me. I can give myself the most awesome pep talk in the world, but when faced with a situation that scares me or makes me uncomfortable, nope, I'm gonna go hide.

So again, here I am, 27 years old, no college degree (unless you count an associate degree in integrated studies, whatever the heck that means), no career, nothing. And I have to wonder, will I always be a failure, will I ever get my shit together and actually make something of myself. I don't know. I just don't know.