The Past Is The Past Is The Past

Over the past couple of days, I've been slowly sorting through the innumerable pictures I have on my Facebook account. When I was younger, I had a tendency of uploading every picture I took so I found myself going through many many albums with way too many pictures, some of them not even good pictures. It was supposed to be a relatively quick job. You know, download the few albums that I wanted from birthdays and trips and junk most of the rest. What I wasn't expecting was the influx of memories and to an extent emotions that the process has unleashed. Because the farther back I go, the more comments and likes that I've found, comments from people that I don't even talk to or see anymore. It's a strange feeling to see how many friends I used to have that I laughed with, shared inside jokes with, and just hung out with. I find it kind of ironic thinking of all the people who think homeschool kids are unsocial. I had way more of a social life back then than I do now.

It's a bittersweet feeling seeing how bad I've been at staying in contact with people from my past and continuing those friendships. On the one hand, although I had many friends back then, I wasn't true to myself. I had perfected the mask of the dutiful Christian girl who knew all the right answers and acted pretty much exactly as she was expected to act. I was surrounded by people I called friends even though they really didn't know me. These days, while I'm more comfortable in my own skin, more willing to just be myself, the number of friends I have number in the single digits. Of those people, only one really knows me and I've been lucky enough to call him my best friend for nearly 6 years. Various things have happened in life to cause me to be careful of who I trust and I don't make or keep friends easily. Seriously, I'm terrible at it. Things start moving too fast and my walls go up and I run the hell away. Same thing with relationships which is why at almost 27 I'm still single, though I've long since made peace with that and I honestly enjoy my singleness.

I wish that I was more social, maybe I'd have an easier time making and keeping friends, but I was never the girl who was invited out all that much. I always felt like the odd person out at parties and social gatherings. I was always better in small groups or one on one, or at least I used to be when the mask was in place. But now, the vast majority of the people I know are Christians, just one of those things from growing up in the church and all and being homeschooled. But I'm not comfortable around them, even if they did ever invite me to any of their hang outs or outings. I always feel like I have to be someone else, be the soft-spoken, prim, perfectly dressed, flawless girl that the other girls all appear to be. And that's so not me. I'm not soft-spoken, I'm loud and obnoxious and kind of brazen. I'm not prim, again I'm loud and opinionated and passionate. I'm never perfectly dressed, I refuse to wear skirts or dresses unless I have literally no other choice; I basically live in jeans. And I'm sure as hell not flawless, I'm overweight, average looking at best and I refuse to wear makeup unless I have to. I hate feeling like I need to watch every word I speak so I don't offend anyone with my sometimes dirty sense of humor or occasional swearing. I've honestly thought about just deleting my Facebook account so I don't see all the pictures of people hanging out and then feel like lamenting my lack of a social life.

But despite the bittersweet feelings, the sense of loss that I've had, I've also found myself feeling incredibly grateful to have found a friend who knows me so completely and accepts me so completely. Because despite all the inside jokes and laughs and fun that I had with those people from my past, they never really knew me. They never saw me at my worst and at times when I desperately needed them and their friendship and encouragement, I got neither and my problems were skated over like they meant nothing. Now I have someone who has quite literally seen me at my best and my worst, who has been there for me through thick and thin, has helped save me from myself more than once, and has literally become the most important person in my life after my parents. So in the long run, I think I have a lot to be grateful for. I've come from having a lot of shallow friendships, to having one deep, meaningful friendship in addition to a couple of other deeper friendships and I've come a long way in how I see myself. I've learned a lot about accepting myself as I am and not trying to impress others so much. I've come a long way, but I still have a long way to go.