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| https://www.facebook.com/humansofnewyork/photos/a.102107073196735.4429.102099916530784/1673118259428934/?type=3&theater |
Earlier this afternoon as I was browsing through Facebook, I came across a post from a page I follow called Humans of New York. If you don't follow it, I would highly recommend it. It gives you a whole new perspective on other people's lives and cultures. It is truly my favorite page on Facebook and the one that is the most thought-provoking for me. It has been responsible for changing my opinion on various topics, one of those being the Syrian refugees. His pictures of and posts from the refugees changed my opinion from being mostly against the refugees and allowing them into America to now having mixed feelings leaning more towards allowing them in, but also taking precautions. But that's not what I want to talk about. My point is that his pictures and the stories that go with them can be very influential and eye opening.
The post I read today was about a young woman. Even before reading her story, her picture just struck me. She looked so hopeless and lost and sad. My heart just went out to her. And then I read her story: “It was a slip. The first thing I thought about was an abortion. I was only fifteen at the time. But after getting my ear chewed off, and all of the bitching, and all of the scolding, I decided to take responsibility. My daughter is three now. I’ve had to give up so much. I can’t go to university. I can’t go out, or go on trips. Now my life is nothing but a routine. I’m a slave to paying rent. I work seven days a week at a casino for minimum wage. I have to support my grandmother and sisters. My mother left the house in December to live with a man. I never talk about any of this. I keep to myself because nobody cares. Even if I’m happy—nobody cares. I only worry about my daughter’s happiness. I only think about her future. I have hope for her. But not for me.”
Now I know abortion is a touchy subject. People have strong opinions about it. Most people I know are pretty firmly pro-life with some pro-choicers scattered in there. For me, I was pro-life for years, mostly because that's what I was taught in school and church. Abortion is murder, there are no exceptions. Regardless of whether or not you want to have a baby, regardless of whether it was conceived during rape or consensual sex, you take responsibility for it and you have that baby. It was all very black and white. But then I grew up and as I grew up and stepped outside the church and experienced real life, I came to realize that nothing in life is black and white, not even abortion. And more and more I also came to realize that the responsibility for that baby is placed on the mother's shoulders. If she has the baby, many times she is the one who has to bear the weight of that massive responsibility. If she chooses to have an abortion, she's the one who's ostracized and condemned. The man, a necessary part in the conception of a child, gets to walk away with few, if any, consequences and continue on with his life.
And here's the other issue I have when it comes to abortion. There are many pro-lifers and people in general who will work their asses off to stop a woman from having an abortion, but once she's been convinced to carry the baby to term and she's suddenly left with a newborn baby and no clue what to do, those people disappear. That's one of the first things I noticed in this young lady's story. She was convinced to have the baby, I might almost say forced would be a better word from the sound of it, but now that she's had the baby, it doesn't sound like she has anyone helping her out. So what happened to the people who convinced her to change her mind? They did their one good deed and booked it out of there because heaven forbid they actually provide legitimate support in the form of money, baby necessities, childcare, etc. Now maybe that's not the case here, who knows. She doesn't go into a lot of detail, but I have read other stories where that was exactly the case. If you're going to convince someone to change their life then you sure as hell better be willing to lend a helping hand.
But what got me really and truly pissed off were some of the comments. One of the prevailing themes was whether or not having the baby was more responsible than having an abortion. A number of people, myself included, felt that having the abortion might have been the more responsible choice. Why? Because ultimately this child wasn't born because her mother wanted her, but because her mother felt forced to have her after being "convinced." Now hopefully this little girl will grow up normally without any issues since her mother does care about her happiness, but there are any numbers of studies that show children born unwanted either due to denied abortions or because the mother was "convinced" to carry to term often have more physical and psychological problems. So not only does the mother have a hard life, but her child does too. That's not good for either of them.
I think age is another major factor when it comes to abortions. This young woman chose to take "responsibility" and have her child. But she was fifteen years old, fifteen! She was a baby herself, expected to undertake a responsibility that some adults even aren't prepared for. She gave up a future for herself to care for her child, but in order to care for her child, she has to work seven days a week just to get by. That's exhausting. It's certainly not good or healthy for her. It's probably not exactly a stable life for her child. But if she'd had the abortion, she could have gone to college, gotten a better job and when she had a child at an older age and was actually ready to have one, she could have given him or her a more stable life, allowing them both to flourish.
The worst comments, and the ones that got me angriest, were the ones, mostly by men, commenting on how she should have just kept her legs closed and since she didn't she should take responsibility for failing to do so and raise the child (and there were a lot more of these comments than I would have expected, way too many). Okay, no, just no. The fact that women are the ones who bear the brunt of the social stigma attached to abortion and unplanned pregnancies gets me flaming mad. Men, psh, they're just the unwitting sperm donors, clearly it's the woman's fault that she got pregnant. Why should the man bear any responsibility?
It sounds stupid, but that's how some people, again mostly men, seem to think. Stupid girl couldn't keep her legs closed. Stupid girl didn't use a contraceptive. Stupid girl this and that. What about the stupid boy who couldn't bother to use a condom or, jeez, even ask the girl if she was on birth control? Why is it all our fault that we end up pregnant? Why is it so hard for men to take responsibility for their part in the conception of their child? I think a lot of it does have to do with the fact that men can walk away without having to worry too much about consequences. If a guy feels that he's too young to be a father, he can just exit the picture. But the mother, if she feels the same way, maybe she's able to get the abortion she wants or maybe, like this young woman, she's "convinced" to keep the baby and deal with that responsibility while dad's off doing god knows what. The unfairness of it just strikes me. And it's probably part of the reason that the few times I've had to sit through a sex ed talk, there's been more of a focus on the women than the men because if the condom breaks or the pill doesn't work and we end up pregnant, we bear the consequences, not the men. And that's just not right, it's really not. Men, if you get a girl pregnant, you take responsibility. Don't leave her to try to figure it all out alone. You want to be a man, THAT'S how to be a man.
So, again I realize this post has been, as I said at the beginning, a bit controversial. I'm sure there are a lot of people who disagree with me. I'm sure there are others who agree with me. I hope I got my thoughts out without being too jumbled or rushed or just overly #$@&%*. I was feeling more than a little worked up as I typed as you can probably tell. My point really is that abortion isn't black and white. I think there are instances where abortion should be taken into consideration. No, I don't think it's a decision that should be made lightly, I don't think it should be used as an alternative to contraception, I do think it should be avoided as much as possible, but at times when there's a chance that bringing a child into the world will have a negative impact on everyone involved, I do think it should be an option. For those of you shouting out adoption, I will say there are a myriad of reasons why adoption is not always a good choice. It can be incredibly difficult for both the mother and the new parents and it still requires the mother to go through with the pregnancy and birth. From research I have done in the past for a paper, giving up a child for adoption is actually harder than having an abortion. And for the men reading this, I promise I don't hate you. My issue really is with men who aren't willing to take responsibility for their actions, whether it be sexually or not, and men who feel the need to heap all of the blame on the female sex and act as though the male sex is blameless. Basically if you're a misogynist like many of the men commenting were, I don't like you and why are you reading my blog. I'm a woman in case you didn't know (the door's over there, feel free to run into it as you leave).
Don't hesitate to share your thoughts and opinions, why you agree or disagree, etc. Again, hopefully I didn't ramble too much and was generally concise and hopefully I didn't offend anyone too much with my opinions. If you made it to the end of this rather long post, thank you for your time and have a lovely evening!
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