The Reason

A Facebook friend posted this yesterday and I saw it and was just like, holy crap, that's me. I don't feel like its talked about a lot why people choose not to commit suicide. Most of the time people talk about why people DID commit suicide and a lot of the time, that talk is very judgmental. I know I struggle when I see the negative comments directed at that person, usually talking about how selfish they are, questioning why they didn't ask for help, what a waste of a life their decision was, etc. I don't generally see many people trying to understand. So seeing a shout out like that, was kind of awesome.

I've been suicidal multiple times through my life, even as recently as two years ago. No, I have never actually attempted, though I have had plans in place. The reason I never went through with it, is because I knew how much my death would hurt my parents and, I assumed, my friends. See, I'm really bad at friendships. I have this tendency to assume that the other person or persons don't actually like me or will start to dislike me or something like that so I automatically hold back. I make my assumption into a reality, I guess. I've had friendships where I feel like I give 110%, always trying to be there, always trying to be a reliable friend, and had those friendships crash and burn. So, I'm reluctant to fully put myself out there, but there are times when I get so desperate for that feeling of friendship that I push a little too hard. See, I don't think I'm a particularly likable person. I'm stubborn, opinionated, and honestly, just a tad judgmental, okay, a lot judgmental. I tend to make snap judgments about people and its hard to change that impression once its made. Frankly, I'm a bitch. I will totally own that. But over the years I've made a few friendships that have lasted and while those friends may not have always known what to do with me when I was going through one of my super depressed phases, they were there.

Mirror, Mirror

I've been in Denver for almost a year now. I go to school full time, I work two jobs, and I'm currently in the middle of moving to a new place. I've done well for the last year. I've gotten good grades, I've done well at my jobs, but as the classes have gotten harder, my stress level has gone up and now with moving adding to an already difficult quarter, the cracks are starting to show. For the first time, I'm not doing well in a few of my classes. I'm struggling with finding enough time to study. I'm struggling with feeling exhausted all the time. I go seven days a week. The snow day we had last Wednesday was the first full day I'd had off in a few months. The cracks are showing and I don't know how to fix them. I live in a stupidly expensive city. I can't afford to quit one of my jobs. I'm trying to graduate by next summer so I don't incur a ridiculous amount of debt and so I can actually start working. I mean, I'm 28. Most of my friends and fellow students around the same age have at least one associates degree and most have a bachelors. Me? I'm at my fourth college trying to get the associates degree I failed to get two years ago.