Trusting Through the Doubt

When I can't sleep or I'm up late reading a book or doing something on my computer, I tend to think a lot.  Tonight was a reading night and now it's almost 2 o'clock and I'm still awake and thinking and looking at facebook.  Now normally I don't look at people's pages all that often.  But tonight I was looking at some friend's pages and a few of them were recently engaged or in a relationship and had pictures up.  Looking at the pictures of them so happy in love I felt that familiar clenching of my heart that's part pain, part jealousy.  And as I kept looking at the pictures of these people that I had graduated with  or were only slightly older than me, I felt all the doubts coming back.  Doubting that God had someone out there for me, doubting that anyone could ever possibly love me, doubting that I could ever truly love someone again myself.  And then there was the jealousy too.  Why did they get someone and I didn't?  Why couldn't I have that?  In a matter of minutes, I was dealing with a full on war between my heart and my head.  My head telling me that I was right to doubt and that my jealousy was rational, even reasonable, and my heart was simply naive.  And then there was my heart telling me to trust God and remember that He has a plan for me even though I can't see it and also telling my head to shut up.

This is probably one of my greatest struggles in life.  Because many times when I watch a romance or see a happy couple, I have this internal struggle and constant questioning of when is it going to be my turn.  When is my knight in shining armor going to appear?  And each time I try to understand why I have to wait.  What does God still have to teach me before I can meet the man He has for me?  And the more I think about it, I think I do know, but it doesn't make it any easier.  Because deep down, even though there are times when I really want a boyfriend and long for that companionship and love, I know that I'm not ready.  I'm not capable of loving someone the way I should.  For me, even after over two years, the pain of my first and last relationship is still affecting me.  I still have a wall up, a wall of fear and pain that keeps me closed off from others.  There's the terror of being abandoned that makes me reluctant to let anyone get too close to prevent myself from getting hurt if my worst fears come true.  That kind of wall has to be torn down before a truly meaningful friendship can be reached and certainly before a relationship can really begin.

So even though I often struggle with God's desire for me to wait and there are many days when I find myself hurting because in two years I haven't had a single guy ask me out on a date or even show any kind of interest in me, I'm also thankful that because of this, I haven't entered into any kind of meaningless relationships.  I haven't gone from guy to guy giving away a piece of my heart each time.  And so days like today when the battle begins anew, I hold onto that thought and trust in God.  Because, honestly, that's the best thing I can do.  He has a plan.

This post was originally published on Thursday, May 10, 2012.

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Update:  Two years later this is still a struggle for me.  Not as much as in the past, but from time to time it does come up, especially recently when once again it seems like everyone my age and younger is getting married or engaged or having kids.  But trusting that God has everything figured and planned out and that He'll bring the right man into my life at the right time helps a lot.  Not that its always easy.  There are still times when I stamp my foot and demand to know what on earth is taking so long.  And each time He asks me to trust Him, trust that He has a plan, trust that He cares more about me than anyone else, trust that there is a reason He is saying no at this time, and trust that He is personally writing my love story.  And then He gently reminds me that He should be my first focus and my first love.  Sometimes I think He must clap a hand to His forehead and exclaim, "Doesn't this woman ever learn?!" when I once again fall short.  Of course, He doesn't, He simply tells me that He still loves me, reminds me to be patient, something which I have never been good at though I'm getting better, and He tells me to get up and try again.

So even though its now been over four years since I've been asked out on a date by a decent guy, I find that thinking about it doesn't hurt quite so much or make me feel as bitter as it used to.  And, of course, I try not to focus on it either.  I'm still so grateful that God has prevented me from jumping from guy to guy and the few times I've been asked out by someone I knew was not right, He's given me the strength to say no and walk away.

Jeremiah 29:11 has been my favorite Bible verse for years.  Its so encouraging, so full of hope because God is in control and He's got this plan for my life and it is absolutely perfect.  And it is that fact that I have clung to for years, whenever I was struggling with my love life or just life in general.  Its such a comfort to remember that, hey, God's got this all under control, He knows what's going on.  This whole love thing, its still going to be a struggle for me, but I'm not facing it alone.  I have God to guide me and teach me while I wait for His will to be done.  And somewhere out there is the man that God created just for me and he's worth waiting for.