Awake and Alive

I realize that I really haven't posted anything since last September other than my one post recently so I thought I would give a bit of an update on what's been going on since then since life has changed quite a lot, thankfully for the better.  So back in September I was dealing with a lot of personal issues.  I was severely depressed, even suicidal.  I was cutting again and just generally in a very dark place.  I had hoped to return to school during the fall semester but didn't get everything done in time so unfortunately was unable to take any classes.  I ended up just working.  Honestly, it's a bit of a blur, but I was not doing well during that time.  I tried going to counseling which didn't end up working out but towards the end of December I finally got myself together enough to apply to CNM.  I was accepted and started looking at classes.

It was at this point that for whatever reason I kind of stepped out of the dark zone I'd been in.  Maybe it was just the fact that I was actually making steps towards doing something more with my life, I'm not sure, but I enrolled in six classes which turned out to be a bit ambitious.  Most importantly though, I finally settled on a major.  I've been jumping around with my major since I first went to college in 2009.  I wanted to do photojournalism, then wildlife biology, theatre, and vocal performance, to name a few.  When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a vet because I loved animals so much.  Well, I guess some childhood dreams aren't totally crazy because I'm working my way towards a degree as a veterinary technologist with the goal of graduating in two years.  From there I'd like to hope that I'll go on to pursue my doctorate in veterinary medicine but as that will require going out of state, that's up in the air.  My long term goal is to be able to focus on horses/farm animals.  For now though I'm focusing on just getting the courses done that are required to just get into the vet tech program.

Like I said before, I started the semester with six classes.  Honestly that was hugely ambitious for someone who has typically taken four or five classes other semesters and then ended up dropping all but one or two or just ended up failing most classes.  Even more ambitious were the classes I was taking.  I had the choice of two different chemistry classes to complete in order to get into the program so I chose introduction to chemistry lecture and lab in addition to college writing, introductory psychology, veterinary reception basics, and just for fun, theatre appreciation.  In the end, I did drop my psychology class both because I really didn't like the teacher and I was having trouble keeping up with all the reading and studying the class required.  With only four weeks to go, all my other classes are going well and at the moment it looks like I'll be passing all five of them with A's and B's something that hasn't happened probably since my first semester of college.

I honestly cannot express how exciting it is to be doing so well.  Chemistry was something that I struggled with in high school, they are by far the hardest college classes I have ever taken but I'm getting an A in my lab and an A or a high B in my lecture class.  I'm actually understanding the material for the most part.  For the longest time I've felt that I was just stupid, not intelligent, a complete failure at school, but all of a sudden I'm doing well.  My biggest worry about going for a vet tech degree was the math and science part.  I was so certain that I wouldn't be able to do it, that I didn't have the brains for it so it's been incredibly encouraging to realize that maybe I was wrong and I can do this after all.

I find it amusing that in the past I was really against going to CNM.  Having gone to two separate universities and really struggling at both, never finding my place or feeling like I belonged, I was really not thrilled at the idea of attending a community college.  At the risk of sounding like a snob, I felt like it would be a huge step down.  I mean, community college?  If I couldn't succeed at a university, I didn't hold out much hope for my success at a little community college.  Turns out though, I love it!  I never really made friends at ENMU or UNM, but I've actually made friends in almost all of my classes to the point that two of my English classmates and I are talking about getting together and going on a ghost tour down in Old Town.  It's a totally new experience, but it's been awesome.  I feel like I fit in better here than I ever did at the big universities.  There's a lot less snobbishness and a lot more diversity.  One of the biggest bonuses for me has been the class sizes.  At both ENMU and UNM, especially UNM, I took numerous classes in giant lecture halls with 70+ other students.  The teachers didn't know my name much less that I even existed.  At CNM my biggest classes are my chemistry lecture veterinary reception class and there are maybe 20 to 25 people in my class, 30 at the absolute max.  My teachers know my name in all my classes, they actually interact with us, and they just feel like they are far more accessible if I need any help which is greatly appreciated.

And I'm happy.  I honestly cannot remember the last time I felt this balanced.  I still have my low and high days, but the low days are few and far between and I haven't had any major lows since school started.  That is absolutely huge for me and the main reason that I've been so successful thus far.  I can actually see a light at the end of the tunnel.

So that's where I'm at right now.  I'm in school, I'm working part-time, and I still have some time to hang out with friends once or twice a week.  For the first time in a long time I don't feel like a huge failure, I can actually see a future for myself.  I'm so thankful to finally be out of the dark.  I still have a long way to go, but I feel like I'm on the right track and that's the main thing.  The darkness of September is over, spring is here and I feel awake and alive.