It's Been a While

 It's been so long since I've written a post on here that I don't even know where to start. A lot of things have changed in my life. I started this blog almost nine years ago. It's changed a lot too. From a Christian young woman figuring out her faith to renouncing that faith to now, over the last going on two years, slowly starting to open herself back up to it. I haven't been back to church yet, I still have a lot of trust issues there, too many instances of bullying when I was younger and cliquishness and lack of acceptance as an adult. Churches don't equate to a safe space for me unless its talking about my old church in Edgewood, which was the only church I ever really felt at home. But I'm getting there. I'm talking to God again, I'm working to get my life back together, actually trying to take care of myself because for so many years I just haven't cared. I knew I needed help, but I just couldn't bring myself to care enough to do anything about it. I spent two years in school on no medications, in another state and I conquered school and life and then I came back to New Mexico and the depression came back and everything's been a struggle since. But I'm back seeing a doctor, I'm back on meds, and I'm trying.

The Reason

A Facebook friend posted this yesterday and I saw it and was just like, holy crap, that's me. I don't feel like its talked about a lot why people choose not to commit suicide. Most of the time people talk about why people DID commit suicide and a lot of the time, that talk is very judgmental. I know I struggle when I see the negative comments directed at that person, usually talking about how selfish they are, questioning why they didn't ask for help, what a waste of a life their decision was, etc. I don't generally see many people trying to understand. So seeing a shout out like that, was kind of awesome.

I've been suicidal multiple times through my life, even as recently as two years ago. No, I have never actually attempted, though I have had plans in place. The reason I never went through with it, is because I knew how much my death would hurt my parents and, I assumed, my friends. See, I'm really bad at friendships. I have this tendency to assume that the other person or persons don't actually like me or will start to dislike me or something like that so I automatically hold back. I make my assumption into a reality, I guess. I've had friendships where I feel like I give 110%, always trying to be there, always trying to be a reliable friend, and had those friendships crash and burn. So, I'm reluctant to fully put myself out there, but there are times when I get so desperate for that feeling of friendship that I push a little too hard. See, I don't think I'm a particularly likable person. I'm stubborn, opinionated, and honestly, just a tad judgmental, okay, a lot judgmental. I tend to make snap judgments about people and its hard to change that impression once its made. Frankly, I'm a bitch. I will totally own that. But over the years I've made a few friendships that have lasted and while those friends may not have always known what to do with me when I was going through one of my super depressed phases, they were there.

Mirror, Mirror

I've been in Denver for almost a year now. I go to school full time, I work two jobs, and I'm currently in the middle of moving to a new place. I've done well for the last year. I've gotten good grades, I've done well at my jobs, but as the classes have gotten harder, my stress level has gone up and now with moving adding to an already difficult quarter, the cracks are starting to show. For the first time, I'm not doing well in a few of my classes. I'm struggling with finding enough time to study. I'm struggling with feeling exhausted all the time. I go seven days a week. The snow day we had last Wednesday was the first full day I'd had off in a few months. The cracks are showing and I don't know how to fix them. I live in a stupidly expensive city. I can't afford to quit one of my jobs. I'm trying to graduate by next summer so I don't incur a ridiculous amount of debt and so I can actually start working. I mean, I'm 28. Most of my friends and fellow students around the same age have at least one associates degree and most have a bachelors. Me? I'm at my fourth college trying to get the associates degree I failed to get two years ago.

The Gender Conundrum

We live in a world where gender is an ever-changing concept. It's no longer a simple black and white matter of you're male or you're female. Now we have transgender, non-binary gender, gender fluid, agender, bigender, and the list goes on. It can be a bit of a challenge to keep it all straight.

I was raised Christian, so anything deviating from the normalcy of heterosexuality was bad. Homosexuality? Bad. Bisexual? Bad. Transgender? Bad. And so on and so on. I learned to look down on those people, I was taught to look down on them. I had teachers and leaders who vehemently spoke out against them who painted a picture of horrible people making conscious decisions to live in sin, teachers and leaders who framed my perception of those people. I often wonder, if I hadn't left home and gone to college in another city, if I hadn't been removed from my familiar little closed off world, would I still be as close minded as I was then? But while my eyes were certainly opened and I became slightly less judgmental, I was still extremely close minded. It wasn't until I actually began to really meet and get to know these people that I realized that they were humans just like you and me, not these entities of evil I'd been taught about. And not a single one of them was claiming to be gay or lesbian or bisexual or trans or whatever in order to snub God, it was simply who they were.

Harry Potter 30 Day Challenge - Days 3-5

Apologies for missing a couple of days. Life got busy so I had to postpone. So, I will be doing three days today and then three tomorrow and after that, fingers crossed, I'll be able to stay on track!

Day 3 - Least Favorite Book
This is a hard one for me because I love all the books so much. So understand that when I say Chamber of Secrets is my least favorite, I still love it. I don't have any hugely specific reasons of why it's my least favorite other than it's just never been one to hold my attention as much as the others. Probably the only real specific reason I have is that this book contains the character of Gilderoy Lockhart. He is without a doubt the most annoying character in all of the books and not always in a good way. He has his moments where is obnoxiousness is comedic and it works well with the story but there are a lot of other moments where I just want to smother him with a pillow and have done with it. So while there are aspects of the book that I really, he kills other parts for me. Still a wonderful book though!

Harry Potter 30 Day Challenge - Day 2

The Hogwarts Express has come and gone, the newest witches and wizards have been sorted into their respective houses so it's on to day two of the challenge!

Day 2 - Favorite Book
Choosing a favorite book is hard, I'm honestly the worst when it comes to having to choose my favorite anything and I love every single book. But if I absolutely had to choose, it would be the 3rd

book in the series: The Prisoner of Azkaban. It's always been one of my favorites but it took me a while to really pinpoint why I loved it so much. One reason is that it's such a pivotal book in the series, in my opinion. You have some very important characters introduced that play some major rules both in Harry's life and in the other books. And one of those characters introduced happens to be one of my favorite adult characters: Remus Lupin. His kindness, sincerity, and just overall goodness make him an amazing character and I really love how his relationship with Harry develops throughout the book. The book also introduces us to Hippogriffs which happen to be one of my favorite magical creatures. But probably the aspect that took me longest to figure out is that this is the last book where we see our main characters happy. Obviously there are some serious ups and downs and it's not all sunshine and daisies, but the following books take a much darker turn. Here we have Harry discovering that Sirius and Lupin were best friends with his father. We see his joy at not only having

that connection to his parents, but also finding out that Sirius is his godfather and he know has people who care about him. It's that tangible link to his parents that he's longed for. And finally, I love this book because it introduces the Patronus charm. Rowling has stated multiple times that the Dementors that first appear in this book represented her depression. As someone who has now struggled with serious depression for years, I really liked the idea of using happiness, a happy memory, to combat the soul sucking darkness that threatens to obliterate everything positive. I found it to be an encouraging reminder that depression can be defeated or at least held at bay.

Harry Potter 30 Day Challenge - Day 1

Since I am once again doing a dismal job of keeping up with this blog, I figured I would do something fun to get me back into the habit. If you have been following my blog for any length of time, you will recall that I did something very similar back in 2014 with Lord of the Rings prior to the final Hobbit movie premiere. Yes, it's actually been almost four years since then. I can't quite wrap my head around that. In any case, while the Lord of the Rings trilogy remains both my favorite movies and favorite books, the Harry Potter books have long ranked as a second favorite. Since it's the first of September, this seemed an appropriate way to kick off the month. If you have never read Harry Potter, you seriously should because the series is truly amazing and there is far more to it than just magic, but if you are disinclined just be aware that there will be spoilers. So without further ado, here is the beginning of the Harry Potter 30 Day Challenge.

Day 1 - How Did You First Get Into Harry Potter
Ironically, my parents are the ones who actually got me into Harry Potter, ironic because I grew up going to church and what not and most Christians have an issue with the Harry Potter books. That

still puzzles me because I've read a fair number of Christian books in the past that also included magic and yet those were somehow acceptable. But I won't get into that. So my parents got me the first three books for Christmas one year shortly after the third book came out, if memory serves. I remember not being entirely thrilled with the gift because even then if something was super popular, I tended to avoid it. Although I was a bit young for them when the first book came out, I was old enough when my parent's gave them to me to relate to the characters and really connect with them. Plus, it also introduced me to a totally different culture and country which was more than a little awesome. And, obviously, once I actually read the books, I fell completely in love with them and though they're more than a tad worn, I still have the copies my parents gave me.

Insanity

Am I insane? I'm pretty sure I'm insane. What is it that suddenly makes us decide to do what we've been afraid to do for ages? Why today of all days after years spent talking about getting the hell out of New Mexico and moving to Colorado did I finally find the courage to apply to not one, but two jobs in Durango? I have not a single clue. But I did it. It's done. Am I crazy for just going for it? Um, yeah, definitely. But I'm tired of hating my life, tired of hating where I'm living. I'm 27 years old, dammit. I should be out living my life, but here I am stuck in a city that I hate and a life that is unfulfilling. I keep feeling like if I get that magic degree, suddenly my life will be set. But I've been in school for a long time and more and more I'm wondering if I really need it. Maybe I put that on hold. Maybe I actually get out there and live my life, get out of my comfort zone and at some point in the future I'll go back to school. Or maybe I'll look at getting my degree through an online college which would be a plus because then I wouldn't have to deal with people. Can you tell that I'm anti-social?

I've lived in my comfort zone for so long that I don't even know how to live outside it. I've depended and lived with my parents for so long that the idea of being independent is both terrifying and exciting. Because this won't be like last time. Last time when things got hard, I was able to move back in with my parents with no issue. But if this all works out, if I actually make it up to Durango, it's not going to be so easy. I'm going to have to actually be an adult. Take responsibility and all that. There's not going to be a net underneath to catch me if I fall.

So, I guess, here's to a potential new beginning and getting out of comfort zones and living a little.

Future, What Future?

What do you do when you begin to wonder if you're truly cut out for the career path you've started down? What do you do when you begin to question everything that you've been striving for? It seemed so clear initially, everything made sense. But as time passes, it becomes less and less clear. I went for the more practical career, the one that was respectable and made sense. I've always loved animals, always been good with them. But the science of it all makes my head spin, makes it hard to enjoy what I'm doing. So I start to wonder, is it for me. And then I come back to, god, what a failure I would be again if I gave it up with just two semesters to go. But then, what does it say when I dread going back and trying to wrap my mind around all these complex procedures. I love animals, but is that enough? And more and more, I'm thinking not. I find the science interesting, fascinating even, but the understanding of it often eludes me.

The Past Is The Past Is The Past

Over the past couple of days, I've been slowly sorting through the innumerable pictures I have on my Facebook account. When I was younger, I had a tendency of uploading every picture I took so I found myself going through many many albums with way too many pictures, some of them not even good pictures. It was supposed to be a relatively quick job. You know, download the few albums that I wanted from birthdays and trips and junk most of the rest. What I wasn't expecting was the influx of memories and to an extent emotions that the process has unleashed. Because the farther back I go, the more comments and likes that I've found, comments from people that I don't even talk to or see anymore. It's a strange feeling to see how many friends I used to have that I laughed with, shared inside jokes with, and just hung out with. I find it kind of ironic thinking of all the people who think homeschool kids are unsocial. I had way more of a social life back then than I do now.

It's All Her Fault

https://www.facebook.com/humansofnewyork/photos/a.102107073196735.4429.102099916530784/1673118259428934/?type=3&theater

So I realize that I'm opening a huge can of worms with this post, but it's something I feel quite strongly about. I've honestly avoided talking about this issue because it can be so controversial, but after reading something earlier, I feel the need to share my opinion. Also, this is MY opinion. You can agree or disagree, but please don't try to change my mind. I'll respect your opinion so please respect mine.

Earlier this afternoon as I was browsing through Facebook, I came across a post from a page I follow called Humans of New York. If you don't follow it, I would highly recommend it. It gives you a whole new perspective on other people's lives and cultures. It is truly my favorite page on Facebook and the one that is the most thought-provoking for me. It has been responsible for changing my opinion on various topics, one of those being the Syrian refugees. His pictures of and posts from the refugees changed my opinion from being mostly against the refugees and allowing them into America to now having mixed feelings leaning more towards allowing them in, but also taking precautions. But that's not what I want to talk about. My point is that his pictures and the stories that go with them can be very influential and eye opening.

I Like To Think...

I like to think...
I like to think I'm beautiful.
I like to think sometimes I'm graceful.
I like to think I'm funny.
I like to think I'm smart.
I like to think I'm loyal.
I like to think I'm talented.
I like to think I'm loved.
I like to think I matter in some small way.
I like to think I'm successful at hiding my pain.
I like to think my depression does not control me.
I like to think the scars on my body tell a story.
I like to think I've overcome the hardest parts of my life.
I like to think if anything ever happened to me, I would be missed.
I like to think...
I like to think someday I'll find true love.
I like to think I'll make my parents proud.
I like to think I'll be successful someday.
I like to think I have a future.
I like to think I'll get out this city and state.
I like to think someday I'll travel the world.
I like to think I'll find what I'm searching for.
I like to think the words I write touch lives.
I like to think I make a difference.
I like to think I bring some modicum of happiness to others.
I like to think I'll learn to be a better person.
I like to think someone, anyone appreciates my quirks and oddities.
I like to think I'm worth something, anything.

A Year in Review: 2016

Another year has come and gone. It's been a year of a lot of highs and some major lows. I began the year by going back to school with an actual purpose in mind. I've been in college since 2009, jumping from major to major and, to an extent, college to college. But nothing I went for seemed to click. Until I decided that since I really, really do not like people, I should go for the career I wanted as a child: a veterinarian. I decided to start out less ambitious though and I enrolled at CNM for the spring semester to start taking the classes I needed to get into the CNM Veterinary Technology program.

While the semester wasn't easy with the complications of chemistry, the endless paper writing for English, and the craziness
of theatre appreciation, I found myself enjoying being back in college for the first time ever. I found myself making friends and getting along with various classmates, but most importantly, I found myself actually succeeding in college the way I never had before. I ended the semester with all A's and made the Dean's List.

But the biggest success of the semester was taking the test required to get into the Vet Tech program. I had constantly heard how difficult the test was supposed to be and was more than a little apprehensive going to take it. I figured that I would take it once and get a feel for it and what questions would be asked so I could study and actually pass it the second time. To my complete and total disbelief, I passed it the first time with fairly good scores. I was over the moon. All I had to do was pass my summer classes and I was in!

Starry Night

One of my favorite paintings is Van Gogh's Starry Night. I honestly cannot tell you exactly what it is about it that I love so much, but it's just so striking and unique and beautiful to me. I gained an even deeper appreciation for it after I saw the Doctor Who episode "Vincent and the Doctor." It is, to date, the best Doctor Who episode I have ever seen and my personal favorite. If you haven't seen it, go watch it; it's beautiful.

A few months ago, my mom and decided to go to a studio that has a paint and wine type of deal. You look at their online calendar to find a painting you like and sign up for it. A lot of times people get wine or beer to enjoy while painting but my mom and I decided to skip that part and just paint. They walk you through the steps of painting the piece and at the end of the time period, you've got yourself a completed painting! Starry Night proved to be far more challenging than either my mom or I expected and neither one of us was thrilled with the results. We decided that if we combined our two paintings, it might actually look halfway decent. Guess I better cancel any plans I had of being a famous painter!

Never Say Never

Going into a career as a vet tech, I knew that my biggest temptation was going to be wanting to adopt any of the various animals that would come my way. But I figured that I wouldn't have to deal with that temptation until I was mostly done or done with school and actually working. Famous last words.

I've never liked small dogs. They're tiny, annoying creatures who bark way too much, behave ridiculously, and are generally just a nuisance. I've also never been as fond of female dogs. I honestly don't know why, probably just the fact that I've only ever owned male dogs. I always figured that after my current three boys passed away, I would get another medium or large dog, preferably a medium-sized one. But life it seems had other plans for me.

The last half of the semester for one of my classes involved going over to Eastside Animal Services

Our first meeting!

and working with the dogs and cats there to practice our physical exam skills. Naturally, our teachers wanted us to have experience with large and small dogs. However, while there was an abundance of large dogs we could use, there weren't as many small dogs available. On one of those days where my partner and I needed a small dog, we found ourselves with even fewer options than usual. We wanted a dog that would be relatively easy to work with and the one with the sign that said she was shy but sweet seemed too nervous. But without a better option, we chose her. Alice, as she was called, turned out to actually be quite sweet. She was a pug/chihuahua mix and pretty darned adorable. She tolerated all the indignities of going through a physical exam without any complaints. We carried her back to her kennel after we were done and that was that. Or so I thought.

To Vote or Not To Vote, That Is The Question

Just a quick update before I get to the main point of this post. Within the next couple of days I'm going to be changing up my blog. That means there's going to be a name change, design change, everything. This honestly isn't a Christian blog anymore and I want the freedom to express myself however I want to. So just a heads up that changes are a comin'!

Okay, so it's 2016, the world's going to pot (in my opinion) and America is holding it's presidential election. This my third (?) time voting, I believe, and I have never been so conflicted as I've been this election. With the last two elections, I knew who I wanted to vote for, it was a pretty clear cut decision (hint: it wasn't Obama either time). But this time, oh lord, I look at these two candidates and I just want to pack up and get the hell out of this country cause it ain't gonna be pretty. For me, a choice between Clinton and Trump is no choice at all and since I don't think any of the other runners have even a remote chance of winning, I found myself trying to choose between the lesser of two evils.

This Is MY Body, Deal With It

Four years ago I saw the picture of this young woman and her words inspired me to stop being quite so ashamed of my body. Posing in my underwear or a bikini was not something I would ever do in a million years, but I so admired her for her courage to not only take the picture, but to share it online where it went viral. She gave me the courage to stop being quite so uptight about my looks. I still refused to wear shorts or tank tops and I hated leaving the house without my hair or makeup done, but I stopped stressing about it quite so much. Four years later, I'm still overweight, probably weighing more than I did back then but as I type this I'm sitting out in public wearing shorts, a tank top, no makeup and my hair is in a messy ponytail. I finally learned to stop giving a crap what people think of me, I learned to stop letting other people dictate what I should wear, what I should be comfortable wearing. I don't wear makeup anymore except for when I got to class generally. I've started wearing shorts to the gym and sometimes I even go to the store to do my shopping after a hard workout. I realized that I was never going to please everyone, it's simply not possible, so instead of focusing on pleasing complete strangers that I didn't know or really care about, I decided it was time to start pleasing myself, wearing clothes that I thought were cute and comfortable regardless of whether or not society agreed with my opinion. The way I thought of myself was more important than the way others did. And wonder of wonders, I don't hate my body anymore. I can't say that I love it all the time, I still want to lose weight, I still want to be healthier, but when I look in the mirror I don't automatically notice the flaws. I learned to see things in a new light. Yes, I have stretch marks and scars, I don't have the perfect, flawless skin that most women seek, but those marks tell my story. They show my struggles with weight, the battle I'm fighting now, the scars on my arms and legs show that despite everything I have been through, I am a survivor. I refuse to believe that I am less of a person because I don't have flawless skin or a perfect body. I AM beautiful, fat, scars, stretch marks and all. Whether anyone else believes that doesn't matter as long as I know it and I can remind myself of that because I am worth it. I'm not perfect, but I don't want to be. My size, nobody's size defines them. We are each beautiful in our own, unique way. Sometimes we just need somebody to remind us of that.

Life Is Good

It's been going on two months since I last blogged I'm ashamed to say.  I could say that finals and all really got to me, but honestly it's more been the fact that I haven't been in the mood to just sit down and type.  But I have been pretty busy so that has definitely contributed to the lack of updates of any kind.  In any case, I successfully completed my first semester back at college with all A's which was super exciting.  I honestly don't think I've ever had that good of a semester at college ever.

In addition to successfully passing all my classes, I also passed the test I needed to get into the Veterinary Tech program on my first try.  That was a huge shocker for me.  I had to get a minimum score in four different

areas (Reading, Math, Science, and English) in addition to also getting a minimum comprehensive score of 60%.  The test cost ~$40 to take each time so I really wanted to pass it in two goes at the most.  I knew I could nail the Reading and English sections because those have always been super easy for me, but the math and especially the science would be more challenging.  Going in and taking the test, I was sure that I had failed it.  The science section turned out to be significantly harder than I had expected so I was sure that I hadn't made the minimum score I needed to pass.  But when I finished, lo and behold, I had passed with a 78.7% comprehensive score.  I will fully admit that I cried when I got back out to my car, I was so happy.  I also managed to freak my mom out accidentally when I called her as soon as I got back to my car and I was still crying a bit when she picked up.  She, of course, immediately thought something was wrong.  Whoops!

Doctors Against Down Syndrome - An Essay

Earlier this semester in my English class, I was given the assignment to write an argumentative paper.  We all got to choose our own subjects and me being me, I decided to go big and controversial; I decided I wanted to write about abortion.  From that first idea I slowly narrowed my topic down, going from aborting children with disabilities to focusing on Down syndrome to finally focusing on Down syndrome and how doctors handle telling parents that their unborn or newborn child has Down syndrome.  Doing the research was both fascinating and saddening.  The fact that people seem to have so little issue with a child being aborted solely because it isn't perfect but then have a fit at gender selective abortion makes no sense to me.  And then also reading about how many doctors push parents towards abortion was just appalling.  Despite the fact that I felt a bit overwhelmed with writing the paper and honestly didn't think it was my best work initially, my professor loved it and reading it again, I'm very proud of what I accomplished.  So, I decided to share it, not to brag or anything, but because this is a controversial issue and I think it's one that needs to be addressed.

To Those Who Judge

Last night as I lay in bed trying to sleep but actually flipping through my Facebook newsfeed, I came across an article.  The title caught my attention immediately:  A Call to Action: Your Fat Friend Is Going It Alone.  It was an interesting and very relatable piece for me.  It got me to thinking about how society views and treats fat people.  It brought to mind things I don't really focus on anymore; the little comments I sometimes hear or the criticizing eyes as I walk about minding my own business, all because I'm fat.  I've learned to brush those things off, to not focus so much on the negative, but some days it can be hard to ignore it.

I don't think people always realize just how damaging, how lasting the comments they make are.  I can still remember shortly before my ex and I broke up, asking him something along the lines of did he wish I was thinner or was he proud of the way I looked and him responding, "I wish you were thinner so I could show you off to my friends."  Six years and I have never been able to forgot those words.  They didn't just hurt me, they devastated me.  Many times I wish I had told him how much damage those words caused.  My already fragile self-esteem shattered and it has taken me years to build it back up.  I relied so much on him and others when it came to my self-image.  If my own boyfriend didn't seem to think I was good enough, then clearly I was a hideous creature.  Now I know better than to put such stock in other's words, but that doesn't always make it any easier when I hear the snide remarks people sometimes make.