Insanity

Am I insane? I'm pretty sure I'm insane. What is it that suddenly makes us decide to do what we've been afraid to do for ages? Why today of all days after years spent talking about getting the hell out of New Mexico and moving to Colorado did I finally find the courage to apply to not one, but two jobs in Durango? I have not a single clue. But I did it. It's done. Am I crazy for just going for it? Um, yeah, definitely. But I'm tired of hating my life, tired of hating where I'm living. I'm 27 years old, dammit. I should be out living my life, but here I am stuck in a city that I hate and a life that is unfulfilling. I keep feeling like if I get that magic degree, suddenly my life will be set. But I've been in school for a long time and more and more I'm wondering if I really need it. Maybe I put that on hold. Maybe I actually get out there and live my life, get out of my comfort zone and at some point in the future I'll go back to school. Or maybe I'll look at getting my degree through an online college which would be a plus because then I wouldn't have to deal with people. Can you tell that I'm anti-social?

I've lived in my comfort zone for so long that I don't even know how to live outside it. I've depended and lived with my parents for so long that the idea of being independent is both terrifying and exciting. Because this won't be like last time. Last time when things got hard, I was able to move back in with my parents with no issue. But if this all works out, if I actually make it up to Durango, it's not going to be so easy. I'm going to have to actually be an adult. Take responsibility and all that. There's not going to be a net underneath to catch me if I fall.

So, I guess, here's to a potential new beginning and getting out of comfort zones and living a little.

Future, What Future?

What do you do when you begin to wonder if you're truly cut out for the career path you've started down? What do you do when you begin to question everything that you've been striving for? It seemed so clear initially, everything made sense. But as time passes, it becomes less and less clear. I went for the more practical career, the one that was respectable and made sense. I've always loved animals, always been good with them. But the science of it all makes my head spin, makes it hard to enjoy what I'm doing. So I start to wonder, is it for me. And then I come back to, god, what a failure I would be again if I gave it up with just two semesters to go. But then, what does it say when I dread going back and trying to wrap my mind around all these complex procedures. I love animals, but is that enough? And more and more, I'm thinking not. I find the science interesting, fascinating even, but the understanding of it often eludes me.

The Past Is The Past Is The Past

Over the past couple of days, I've been slowly sorting through the innumerable pictures I have on my Facebook account. When I was younger, I had a tendency of uploading every picture I took so I found myself going through many many albums with way too many pictures, some of them not even good pictures. It was supposed to be a relatively quick job. You know, download the few albums that I wanted from birthdays and trips and junk most of the rest. What I wasn't expecting was the influx of memories and to an extent emotions that the process has unleashed. Because the farther back I go, the more comments and likes that I've found, comments from people that I don't even talk to or see anymore. It's a strange feeling to see how many friends I used to have that I laughed with, shared inside jokes with, and just hung out with. I find it kind of ironic thinking of all the people who think homeschool kids are unsocial. I had way more of a social life back then than I do now.

It's All Her Fault

https://www.facebook.com/humansofnewyork/photos/a.102107073196735.4429.102099916530784/1673118259428934/?type=3&theater

So I realize that I'm opening a huge can of worms with this post, but it's something I feel quite strongly about. I've honestly avoided talking about this issue because it can be so controversial, but after reading something earlier, I feel the need to share my opinion. Also, this is MY opinion. You can agree or disagree, but please don't try to change my mind. I'll respect your opinion so please respect mine.

Earlier this afternoon as I was browsing through Facebook, I came across a post from a page I follow called Humans of New York. If you don't follow it, I would highly recommend it. It gives you a whole new perspective on other people's lives and cultures. It is truly my favorite page on Facebook and the one that is the most thought-provoking for me. It has been responsible for changing my opinion on various topics, one of those being the Syrian refugees. His pictures of and posts from the refugees changed my opinion from being mostly against the refugees and allowing them into America to now having mixed feelings leaning more towards allowing them in, but also taking precautions. But that's not what I want to talk about. My point is that his pictures and the stories that go with them can be very influential and eye opening.

I Like To Think...

I like to think...
I like to think I'm beautiful.
I like to think sometimes I'm graceful.
I like to think I'm funny.
I like to think I'm smart.
I like to think I'm loyal.
I like to think I'm talented.
I like to think I'm loved.
I like to think I matter in some small way.
I like to think I'm successful at hiding my pain.
I like to think my depression does not control me.
I like to think the scars on my body tell a story.
I like to think I've overcome the hardest parts of my life.
I like to think if anything ever happened to me, I would be missed.
I like to think...
I like to think someday I'll find true love.
I like to think I'll make my parents proud.
I like to think I'll be successful someday.
I like to think I have a future.
I like to think I'll get out this city and state.
I like to think someday I'll travel the world.
I like to think I'll find what I'm searching for.
I like to think the words I write touch lives.
I like to think I make a difference.
I like to think I bring some modicum of happiness to others.
I like to think I'll learn to be a better person.
I like to think someone, anyone appreciates my quirks and oddities.
I like to think I'm worth something, anything.