Merry Christmas?

Have you ever had a Christmas where it just doesn't feel like Christmas?  The tree's all decorated, the lights are up, the presents are wrapped, the cards are signed, the Christmas story's been read, etc., etc.  Yet even with all that, there's just no joy, no excitement, nothing.  That's how my Christmas started out.  When I was woken up by one of my dogs licking my face, it felt like any other day.  I knew it wasn't, but that's what it felt like.  It made me think of those Christmases when I was little kid that I would wake up at the crack of dawn and run into my parents room and jump on their bed till they woke up and we would go open presents.  I miss those days of simplicity and of belief in Santa.  Things really were easier in some ways.

When I finally hauled myself out of bed and got out of my room and wished a Merry Christmas to the rest of my family, my grandmother responded with, "Doesn't feel very merry does it?"  I knew exactly what she meant, but saying it out loud just added to the depression I already felt.  It was hard not to dwell on the fact that Grandpa wasn't going to be there.  Thanksgiving hadn't been nearly this hard, probably because about half the family wasn't able to make it anyway.  For Christmas though, the entire family was showing up, including my grandmother on my mom's side who suffers from dementia.  Eleven people, a permanent odd number for the first time in twenty years.

The family came over with everyone smiling and cheerful until my grandmother arrived.  This was the first time my cousin and I had seen her in months due to all the things going on.  She didn't even recognize us.  My tiny grandmother who used to playfully spank me and joke about how much taller than her I was looked at me and didn't know who I was.  It's only now starting to sink in, I was too much in shock at that point.  Still we set everything out and started eating with my mom and aunts taking care of my grandmother.  It wasn't long though before she wanted to go back to the care home she's living in.  My aunt and uncle took her back and when they returned we had dessert and opened presents and all.  As my cousin was getting ready to leave she asked me if I was doing anything tonight.  I told her no and so she invited me over for a movie night.

I grabbed a few movies and drove over to her house where I fell in love with Gerard Butler in P.S. I Love You.  The movie was over by around nine and then we spent the next nearly three hours talking.  That time was the best Christmas present I could have asked for.  Having somebody to talk to for the first time in I don't know how long, someone who knew at least partially what I was feeling and going through was such a blessing.  It felt like such a weight lifted and I just felt this overwhelming relief.  My cousin and I don't spend a lot of time together, but this was just so relaxing, so fun.  I can't remember the last time I had that much fun with someone.  God knew exactly what I most needed and wanted for Christmas, someone to talk to who would understand and listen, and He gave me that and so much more using the last person I would have expected.  He really does work in mysterious ways.  So, now, despite the fact that it is two hours after Christmas Day, here's to wishing you all a very Merry Christmas and a blessed New Year.

This post was originally published on Monday, December 26, 2011.