Don't Be Bitter, Be Better

Update:  In the three years since writing this my relationship with my grandmother has not improved.  I'm no longer bitter towards her because of the reasons listed below, but I'm no loner the adoring granddaughter who thought her grandmother could do no wrong.  People always talk about that when you live with someone you get to see everything about them, the good and the bad.  That was certainly the case here, though what became apparent was more bad than good.  The longer we lived together, the more I discovered that I really did not know my grandmother at all and there was a side to her that I did not like at all that drove wedge in our relationship.  The one good thing that came from it all was that it brought my mother and I together.  We'd always had a bit of a rocky relationship, but through the issues that came up with my grandmother we began to talk more and develop a better relationship.  At this point we've become quite close and I'm thankful for that even if it did come at the cost of my relationship with my grandmother.   I still don't like Albuquerque thought I've gotten used to it..  I really am a country girl and anytime I'm able to drive out more into the country whether its back out into the mountains or in more recent times out in Rio Rancho, I'm happy.  I still hate the fact that my dogs are cooped up in their pen and that our cats have never really seemed to adjust to the new house.  I also ended up driving by our home in Edgewood about a year and a half ago and discovered that people who bought our house had gotten rid of my chickens and my rooster which left me in tears.  Despite my love for wide open spaces and a more secluded home, living in Albuquerque isn't completely unbearable and I'm happy with it for now.  I don't plan on living here forever and I still dream of finding some quiet little spot I can call my own.

~*~

Recently I've been struggling with some bitterness towards the last person I ever thought I would be bitter towards:  my grandmother.  Isn't it funny how things can change so fast?  The cause can be directly traced back to my family's move back into Albuquerque.  Now to most people that probably doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but for me, it's been pretty huge.  I'm a country girl at heart, not a city girl.

The song Cowboy Take Me Away by the Dixie Chicks describes me perfectly:

"I wanna touch the earth
I wanna break it in my hands
I wanna grow something
Wild and unruly
..............
I wanna walk and not run
I wanna skip and not fall
I wanna look at the horizon
And not see a building standing tall
I wanna be the only one
For miles and miles..."

That describes what I want and miss so perfectly.

My family lived out in the East Mountains near Edgewood for nearly 9 years.  We built the house we lived in exactly the way we wanted it.  Many of my favorite memories include that house and various things that happened in it or somewhere in the East Mountains.  It was my home.

My bitterness towards my grandmother began when she and my grandfather decided that they would come live with my family like we'd been asking them to for ages.  My family was happy in Edgewood, but my grandmother refused to live out there, complaining about the drive, the wind, and just about anything else there was to complain about.  Even living in Tijeras or Carnuel was farther out than she wanted.  She wanted to live in Albuquerque.  I had known that our house was too small for all of us to live in, but I had been certain that we would find another house somewhere in the East Mountains.

My grandmother's determination to live in Albuquerque seemed so selfish to me!  Yet, wasn't I being selfish by making my own demands?  The first house we looked at was the house that my family determined to buy.  I remember how much I hated that house, but still nodding and smiling and saying that it would be wonderful.  As soon as I could I ran outside and stood crying by the car.  The idea of moving was just too painful.  My other memory of that day was my grandfather reaching his hand back to me as we drove away and taking mine and telling me it was going to all be okay.  I remember how much that meant to me because he was the only one who seemed to understand or care how incredibly hard the whole process was for me.

Then suddenly, everything changed at once.  My grandfather passed away and the deal on the house fell through.  That was the most painful time of my life.  Yet, still, as the deal on the house fell through, I began to hope again that perhaps without all the various doctor appointments to worry about taking my grandfather to, my grandmother would be more open to living somewhere in the mountains.  I was wrong.  Still determined to live in Albuquerque, we found another house, the one we're living in now.

It's a nice house overall.  A bit old and in need of some repairs, but a major improvement over the first house we looked at.   Still, my bitterness towards my grandmother increased as I cried myself to sleep the first night here.  It also increased as I was forced to leave my chickens and rooster that I had raised myself with the inexperienced people who bought our house.  And it rose still more as I watched my dogs, who had had a massive backyard in Edgewood now forced to live in a very small area, whimper and whine as they panicked at being in such tight quarters.  I also blamed my grandmother for the constant fear that one of them might get out and run out onto Osuna and get hit by a car or something.

Thinking and dwelling on all these things made me very bitter and angry.  But I've been working at seeing it all in a new light.  The commute for my parents and myself to work, is much shorter.  Less money is spent on gas.  Stores are closer.  In many ways, in practical ways, it is better.  And I have to remind myself of that.  Being in Albuquerque is much easier for my grandmother.  She doesn't have to worry about the wind almost knocking her over anymore.  She doesn't have to deal with the chill she used to feel out in Edgewood.  It's focusing on things like that, the things that have made my family's life better and easier that is helping me get over my bitterness.  And, of course, Jesus is always there to help as well and to give me strength.  Am I ever going to really be able to call this place home?  I don't know.  Edgewood is still my true home and I think it always will be with it's blue skies, gorgeous sunrises and sunsets, wide open spaces, and blanket of stars.  But for now, I will be content with where I am at and be thankful for the opportunities I have to still drive out to Edgewood.  To home.

This post was originally published on Sunday, June 5, 2011.