The Reason

A Facebook friend posted this yesterday and I saw it and was just like, holy crap, that's me. I don't feel like its talked about a lot why people choose not to commit suicide. Most of the time people talk about why people DID commit suicide and a lot of the time, that talk is very judgmental. I know I struggle when I see the negative comments directed at that person, usually talking about how selfish they are, questioning why they didn't ask for help, what a waste of a life their decision was, etc. I don't generally see many people trying to understand. So seeing a shout out like that, was kind of awesome.

I've been suicidal multiple times through my life, even as recently as two years ago. No, I have never actually attempted, though I have had plans in place. The reason I never went through with it, is because I knew how much my death would hurt my parents and, I assumed, my friends. See, I'm really bad at friendships. I have this tendency to assume that the other person or persons don't actually like me or will start to dislike me or something like that so I automatically hold back. I make my assumption into a reality, I guess. I've had friendships where I feel like I give 110%, always trying to be there, always trying to be a reliable friend, and had those friendships crash and burn. So, I'm reluctant to fully put myself out there, but there are times when I get so desperate for that feeling of friendship that I push a little too hard. See, I don't think I'm a particularly likable person. I'm stubborn, opinionated, and honestly, just a tad judgmental, okay, a lot judgmental. I tend to make snap judgments about people and its hard to change that impression once its made. Frankly, I'm a bitch. I will totally own that. But over the years I've made a few friendships that have lasted and while those friends may not have always known what to do with me when I was going through one of my super depressed phases, they were there.