The Voice of Courage

When you think of the word courage, generally certain images jump to the forefront of your mind that define that word for you:  soldiers most often, people standing up for what they believe in, sacrifice, doing something no one else has, and the list goes on.  A lot of the time when people think courage, they think about big events, big people who define that word for them.  But what about those smaller events, those ordinary people?  Courage isn't always big, sometimes its small.  The quote in the picture above is one of my favorites because it shows that courage doesn't have to be big for it to make a difference.  In fact, I've found most often that courage is fairly small, small but powerful.  Courage, to me, is a voice, that little voice that whispers that you can do it, that encourages you to step outside of your comfort zone, to do great things.  But its something that you have to listen for because it can be so small.  It can be easy to ignore, to push back and to give into fear and doubt.

I've been thinking about this because a while back I sent an e-mail with my headshot and acting resume to a person who was looking for extras for a scene he and his friends were shooting in a short film.  I got an e-mail back the other day saying that they'd love to have me and I was welcome to go if I wanted to.  Naturally, I was very excited upon receiving the e-mail.  The scene they're filming is a party scene which means that I'm going to have to get dressed up and actually wear a dress.  As I looked over the e-mail and the information they gave about what to wear and what to expect and such, I found myself starting to get very nervous.  The whole thing reminded me of another e-mail I received almost a year ago for another short movie where I was going to be an extra in a party scene.  But that time, my courage deserted me, or rather, I ignored that voice of courage and gave into my fears.

I remember it was an hour before I was supposed to be at the house where they were filming and I was standing in front of the full length mirror in my parents bedroom.  I was dressed for a party wearing a knee-length black dress and black high heels, my hair was curled, my makeup was done, I was ready to go.  But as I looked into the mirror, all I could think was how out of place I was going to look at that party.  When you think of a party scene in a movie, what generally comes to mind?  For me its a bunch of very pretty skinny girls wearing little dresses flirting or dancing with a bunch of buff guys, or if not buff, then handsome.  I had been struggling for several days leading up to that night thinking about that.  I knew if I dropped out it wasn't going to be a big deal.  I was under no obligation to be there.  And the more I looked at myself, the more self-conscious and afraid I got and the less I listened to that voice of courage that had been telling me for days that I could do this.  Until there came the moment that I couldn't hear it at all and I walked back into my room, sat down, and cried because I knew there was no way that I was going to be able to bring myself to go to that shoot.

To say I was disappointed in myself is an understatement.  Within a couple days I was smacking myself round the head for being so stupid.  Its so much easier to look back and criticize yourself and say you were a fool than it is to do the same in the moment.  And so it was also very easy then for me to tell myself that I was not going to let this happen again.  Now fast forward to a little over a week ago when I had the opportunity to act in that short film I talked about in one of my last posts.  I didn't know until the last moment that I would even be able to participate because I thought I would be working.  But as it happened I had the day off and the friend who was directing the movie very graciously allowed me to take part in the film despite the fact it was rather last minute.

The part I was to play was a thug, so I was going to be wearing a black shirt, a black jacket, jeans, and black boots.  Looking at my outfit, I thought it looked pretty decent.  But as I read through the script, I started to doubt myself and the fear came creeping back in.  I knew most of the people who were going to be there filming, but I didn't know them well.  These were people, who even though I liked them, I wasn't comfortable in myself around them which meant that anytime I knew I was going to see any of them, I made sure I was wearing makeup, nice clothes, and several layers of shapewear so I appeared skinnier.  Further adding to my discomfort was the fact that most of them were very fit and active people, or if not athletic, they were still thin.  Even though I'd been working out regularly, I knew my fitness level was way below theirs and I was sure that I was going to stand out in all the wrong ways and just disgust people.  Even the morning of the planned shoot, I was still uncertain as to whether or not I could go through with it.  I was pretty sure I was going to give into my fear and just pack up and head home when courage found a way to make me go through with it by reminding me that I did have one close friend who would be there.  The fact that she would be there gave me the courage to pull myself together and drive out to the location of the filming.

And as it turned out, I had absolutely nothing to worry about.  No one there treated me like some disgusting disease, not that I was really expecting them to but I was afraid it would be a bit uncomfortable.  In fact, they were all quite friendly and the filming and everything was some of the most fun I've had acting.  So fast forward again to the present where once again I'm starting to freak out about this upcoming party scene and having to dress up for it and feeling completely insecure again.  As I look at the dress I'm going to wear, the same one I wore last year, I can feel the fear and doubt creeping closer but I can also hear courage telling me once again that I can do this, that I shouldn't let them win again.  And this time, they won't because I won't let them.  I might not be that gorgeous skinny girl that every guy wants to hit on and even for the sake of acting, I'm probably not going to be asked to dance, but I'll be there.  And that, for me, is a huge step.