Insanity

Am I insane? I'm pretty sure I'm insane. What is it that suddenly makes us decide to do what we've been afraid to do for ages? Why today of all days after years spent talking about getting the hell out of New Mexico and moving to Colorado did I finally find the courage to apply to not one, but two jobs in Durango? I have not a single clue. But I did it. It's done. Am I crazy for just going for it? Um, yeah, definitely. But I'm tired of hating my life, tired of hating where I'm living. I'm 27 years old, dammit. I should be out living my life, but here I am stuck in a city that I hate and a life that is unfulfilling. I keep feeling like if I get that magic degree, suddenly my life will be set. But I've been in school for a long time and more and more I'm wondering if I really need it. Maybe I put that on hold. Maybe I actually get out there and live my life, get out of my comfort zone and at some point in the future I'll go back to school. Or maybe I'll look at getting my degree through an online college which would be a plus because then I wouldn't have to deal with people. Can you tell that I'm anti-social?

I've lived in my comfort zone for so long that I don't even know how to live outside it. I've depended and lived with my parents for so long that the idea of being independent is both terrifying and exciting. Because this won't be like last time. Last time when things got hard, I was able to move back in with my parents with no issue. But if this all works out, if I actually make it up to Durango, it's not going to be so easy. I'm going to have to actually be an adult. Take responsibility and all that. There's not going to be a net underneath to catch me if I fall.

So, I guess, here's to a potential new beginning and getting out of comfort zones and living a little.

Future, What Future?

What do you do when you begin to wonder if you're truly cut out for the career path you've started down? What do you do when you begin to question everything that you've been striving for? It seemed so clear initially, everything made sense. But as time passes, it becomes less and less clear. I went for the more practical career, the one that was respectable and made sense. I've always loved animals, always been good with them. But the science of it all makes my head spin, makes it hard to enjoy what I'm doing. So I start to wonder, is it for me. And then I come back to, god, what a failure I would be again if I gave it up with just two semesters to go. But then, what does it say when I dread going back and trying to wrap my mind around all these complex procedures. I love animals, but is that enough? And more and more, I'm thinking not. I find the science interesting, fascinating even, but the understanding of it often eludes me.