I Am Not A Wallflower!

As some of you all may know. every semester UNM does four shows with the theatre department.  In the one year that I attended UNM previously, I only saw one of those shows and I never even considered trying to audition.  This semester though, with starting back at school, one of the things that I determined is that I didn't want to be a wallflower anymore which is something I've been pretty much since I started college.  I would sit at the very back of the classroom, and despite, usually, keeping up with reading and homework and what not, I never really participated in the class.  The biggest part of my issue was because I am overweight, I didn't want to bring any further attention to myself.  I felt if anyone noticed me, they would judge me and possibly make fun of me which was the last thing I wanted.  So I did my best to make myself invisible.  I didn't make a whole lot of effort with my appearance or clothing choices and I think I did succeed fairly well with just blending in.

Just before school started this year, my mom and aunt took me on a bit of a shopping spree at Thrift Town.  If you haven't been there, you should check it out because they have some ridiculously cute clothing that is not terribly expensive and is almost always in better shape and of a better quality than what you find at most other thrift stores.  With my mom and aunt's help, my wardrobe basically got a complete makeover.  I don't normally feel particularly cute or attractive because I have a very limited number of clothes that fit me.  With the addition of all the new clothes we found though, I felt like a new person.  As cliche and shallow as that may sound, I've found that having clothes that allow you to express your personality and that you feel flatter you is important and can make a huge difference with your attitude and how you feel about yourself.  And one of the things my aunt said to me as I tried on a fun and rather daring dress, for me at least (not inappropriate daring, just very different from what I normally wear and in terms of style in general), was that I am not a wallflower.  And that just kind of stuck with me.  Like I said, I've been a wallflower for a long time, I tend to stay to the sides and watch life and people go by and try to draw as little attention to myself as possible.  So when I started school, wearing some of the new clothes we'd found, I didn't feel that I had to hide myself as much.  No, I wasn't a stick and I'm sure there were people who thought I looked unattractive, but I felt pretty good about myself.  It was that day that I decided that I did not want to be a wallflower anymore.  I wanted to succeed at school, but more than that, I wanted to push myself outside of my comfort zone, something I haven't done in a long time.

For me, that started out by sitting closer to the front of the class and participating in class discussions.  Since then I've also worked to start some conversations with fellow students and try to get to know some of them.  As I stated before, I also decided to take Acting II after I dropped by Astronomy class, something that completely pushed me outside my comfort zone because those classes are generally filled with girls and guys with model figures and I hate being around people like that because I feel so uncomfortable and inferior.  I decided that I wasn't going to let that bug me though and thankfully one of the guys from my Stagecraft class that I've started to get to know is also in the class so I'm not completely on my own.

The biggest step for me though was deciding to audition for the various plays UNM is producing this semester.  In the five or so years since I graduated from high school, I have auditioned once with another group other than Encore Theatre who I have acted with almost every year since I graduated.  As much as I love that group and the plays we have performed, my parents have reminded me that I need to branch out and try out in a more professional setting that could really help further my acting career.  Auditioning at UNM is by far the most professional audition I have been to, and it was terrifying.

When I walk into auditions, I'm used to there being three or four other people in the room and for the most part, I'm familiar with them and they know me, have seen me act before, etc.  So when I walked into my audition at UNM as the first person to audition that night and saw at least 15 people sitting in front of me waiting for me to perform my monologue, it took every once of courage I had to not turn around and run out the door.  The only familiar face in the room was my Theatre History II professor who I don't know super well since the semester just started, but it was a relief nonetheless to recognize at least one face in the room.  Launching into my monologue, I was shaking.  I love my monologue though, it's a very emotional scene and I really like the way the sudden shifts in character challenge me.  It's also one that I've used many times for auditions, so it helped a lot that I'm quite familiar with it and thankfully I made it through with no missed lines and only one minor stumble.

After finishing, they thanked me and I went back outside where one of the people helping with the auditions took my picture and told me that they should be calling me if I got a callback later that night.  Walking back to the bus stop, I was really quite proud of myself.  I didn't know if I was going to get a part in any of the shows or if I was going to get a callback, and even though I really wanted to be part of at least one of the shows, I was just glad that I had done it.  Waiting for the bus, I was listening to my music and I had to really work to stop myself from starting to dance around because I was so happy.

For the rest of the night I kept my phone right by my side, waiting and hoping for a call.  As it got later, I started figuring that maybe I wouldn't hear anything.  I was just telling my parents about what I was planning on doing today when my phone started ringing.  I answered it and sure enough, it was UNM calling me to tell me that I had a callback for the play Our Town, the one that I really wanted to act in, on Sunday.  I thought I was going to die of happiness.  Obviously a callback is not a guarantee that I'll get a part, but I felt it showed that I'd done something right and they'd seen something about me that they liked.  My parents were just as happy for me and we had a total hugfest for a bit.  I had posted on Facebook about the audition and then again when I heard about the callback and was totally overwhelmed by all the support and encouragement and congratulations from people.  I am so thankful to have such amazing and supportive friends!

Trying to sleep after that was nearly impossible so I stayed up way later than I should have tossing and turning.  So while it hasn't necessarily been easy or comfortable, there are some definite perks to not being a wallflower!