So lately I've been struggling with a lot of stuff with life and just personally with my depression. I've been feeling very stuck in life, not knowing where I'm going and just feeling like I'm really going nowhere and feeling very hopeless. It's gotten to the point where I started cutting again a couple weeks ago and actually did some research on suicide methods. I always end up realizing that I'm too much of a coward to actually go through with it which in some ways makes me more depressed. So nobody panic, I'm not going to go kill myself or anything, so no worries. Basically though I've felt like my life is just going to pieces.
My mom, being the intuitive mother that she is, realized that I've been struggling lately and sent me a song by Casting Crowns that she thought would be good for me. Now here's where things start getting serious. I don't listen to much Christian music anymore, mainly because I don't feel like I'm really a Christian anymore. I've never figured that I was a particularly strong Christian. I always struggled with my faith even when I was younger and was active in church and youth group and about as much of a church kid/teen as is possible. I struggled with trusting in someone other than myself. I was bullied and teased a lot when I was younger and I became the strong, tough kid who became a bit of a bully herself. I learned to swear, to make myself more physically imposing so people would leave me alone, and when someone teased or made fun of me, I responded right back. I stopped letting people in. I was a weird kid and was never really accepted by other kids anyway. At public school I had friends who would suddenly decide they didn't want to be friends with me because the cool kids didn't like me or the cool kids would pretend to accept me into their group and then ditch me. I learned early on not to trust people. At church I was also teased and judged and generally left out which could be part of the reason I have so much trouble fitting into a church, because I'm thinking everyone there is judging me and I'm this outsider and don't belong. So that's the long explanation of why I figure I have so much trouble with trusting in God or anyone else and leaning on Him with things in life, big and small. I feel like I have to fix myself by myself. "Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know." Yeah, I totally get Elsa.
